Having a personal blog is one of the most excruciating thing out there. Mainly because you have to constantly remind yourself that the blog is for you by you and well usually about you too. The tide gets rough when you do not get as much traffic as you expected or wanted, which is the state my blog is in, and you start questioning your writing skills, purpose and reality. You are constantly torn between sharing too much and not saying out right.
This is when you need a support system, family and or friends who were most probably present at the start, to remind you of your original goals, there is a high chance that the cruel reality of the internet will hit you hard and leave you in a state of confusion. Whilst dazed and confused from the back hand of how little an impact you might be making with your blog, the likelihood of you giving up increases and hence the need for a functioning support system. There are some people I am close to but I do not really talk about my blog with them, sometimes the blog is a separate entity, one I cannot fully explain or want to talk about. But the ones I do talk to about it often keep me posting my random weird thoughts that are clearly not everyone’s cup of tea.
Second piece of advice, have clear set goals as to what your blog should be about. I have to confess when it comes to this part I lack consistency mainly because I only write when I have a thought that is nagging my everyday existence. Unfortunately this does not happen as often as I would like and it does not come in one form. Sometimes it is poetry or its like today’s post. Whatever you do, do what you feel is good, might as well make a blog that one thing in life you do how you want, that is if everything else is minutely controlled by unforeseeable circumstances.
Do not compare your personal blog to other blogs, you will think at first that it is good to check how others are doing it, before long you are caught in the trap of not measuring up to the next guy. Honestly it is like comparing personalities or D.N.A, two will never be the same, familiar but not exact. Three years on, I am proud of my blog, it is my baby and I have no hesitation telling whoever wants to hear about it. I started my blog as a therapeutic way of me dealing with the various issues I deal with, as well as provide some insight for those curious about how some of live on this side of the world. Curious enough most of my readers are not on the African continent. But most importantly I started my blog to help someone out there who thinks they are alone in a similar struggle I am in.
Lastly, do not be afraid to evolve, indulge the change you have become, you can only stay the same before even your reflection is bored of you. Still on the inquisitive tip : Have I evolved to be what I wanted to be or what I was meant to be? Happy Blogging and for my non-bloggers, happy evolving.
This coming April will make it three years since I last saw you. I remember I was doing my lower six and I only had four points to my name that term. I prepared myself for a lecture of a lifetime, mainly because I knew you knew I knew that it was you that deposited my fees just in time for me to get an A-Level place. Instead you just shrugged and pointed out that I was intelligent and things would get better in time. You had no doubt I would pass my exams when it mattered. I had no idea that was the last time I would see you, three years and counting ain’t a joke hey. I do not know if you will even recognise me in a crowd. When mother visited me in boarding school she always brought with her news bout you, like when you brought over your new car, how you went with your then girlfriend to visit Gogo. I always bragged about you to my friends, my brother, the university graduate and more in the making, but I never had a picture to show for it.
Remember that time when I was still by St Dominic’s and the term had just ended, you came to our drop off spot in 4th street to give me money because it was Mother’s intention that I sleep over by Babamukuru’s home in Waterfalls. I begged and pleaded with you not to send me there, even though it was mother’s explicit instruction, you snicked me into your university hostel, made me supper and later on you sent me over to the girl’s hostel to spend the night. The next morning you took me to get a bus get home, I was so grateful, but yet again I do not have a picture to show for it.
Almost every holiday towards the end of it, you wired me some tuck money, sometimes without me asking, even when I knew things weren’t going all that great for you; you ensured I always went to school with the essentials. I always knew you were a phone call away. Remember towards my final exams and I told you I was stressed out and you told me that you knew I would figure out a way out of the dark space. Throughout the years I have thought that the day will come when I could repay you; but you still make sacrifices for me, so unfortunately I do not see that chance rising in the horizon. Maybe one day you will need a kidney or something, I will be a phone call away, with a camera ready so that the moment is never lost. You may think I have forgotten but I would not be here without your big heart. And yes I still do brag about you to my friends.
Chasing our dreams has played its fair share in separating us, I was in school during your graduation ceremony, worst part being when I missed your wedding. To witness you finally get the happiness you deserve. I saw the wedding pictures and videos and I finally have a picture to show just how great life turned out for one of my heroes. Live life and do not hold back, you deserve all the joys ahead of you.
We all make decisions, it is part of life, but with every decision its as if you enter a new phase of life and unfortunately not everyone is cut out to be part of that phase, be it friends or family. I learnt this the hard way. After all is said and done I believe I have made it quite clear to people that I just want the simpler things in life, to be one with nature and spread the goodness of peace and one love. So I have tried through 2014 to do just that and unfortunately have lost some people because of that. Well its pretty simple if you are an obstruction to my cause, firstly I will try convince you, after exhausting this I will turn to extraction; there is only so much negativity one person can take. So because of these two easy steps I have lost much I thought I could not survive without. As a result my already small social circle shrunk quite a lot, not that I am complaining, but it would have been nice to get into 2015 with some friends. Another reason I let go of some people who I knew for a few years was their attitude to new experiences; FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN, that just rubs me up the wrong way. I mean we are young, what have we got to lose, we cannot change the world if we know nothing of it, if we stay ignorant of the good and bad how are we ever to improve it.
What I miss about Gweru are my little sisters ad nephew, I would have loved to be there to watch them grow, geez I know its just been over a year since I have seen them but they have grown up drastically. Like one minute we were fighting over whether to watch cartoon network or mnet series, now they uploading selfies on a daily basis, quoting Nicki Minaj songs and demanding the best in fashion. I miss the simpler things we seek in life ;cannot help but wonder the outcome had I stuck around. In the end we all have to find our true calling by ourselves, one way or the other. That’s just the tip of the iceberg; my brother Keith got married obviously yours truly missed the wedding, my grandmother is spending more time living with my mum(which I always wanted since I was a kid) and last but not least my nephew is turning six next month.
And there are those few who survived the axe of change, our friendships have evolved, some are now like sisters and others just a distant memory to flirt around with when I get bored of the present and want to tango with the past a bit. One thing has remained constant; the rebel within me.
My sister and I live in a Manhattan style loft apartment three storeys up, so that has ruled out the conventional fluffy companions. Instead we have three pet goldfish namely Jay-jay, Nemo and Mikey.. Its funny how I have taken to them so warmly in a matter of months,I mean sure I do not pat them or take them out for walks. But in honest truth we have watched tonnes of movies together, binging the Sci-Fi series together and brightest of all memories; they have been with me through my sleepless nights. Oh and I always lose to Jay-jay in staring contests. True confession; there were unique fun times with a different species. They have also bring about a sense of importance perhaps; such that when we both aren’t available, we give a third party an extra set of keys to check up on them.
What brings about such reflections is that Jay-Jay has taken ill for the past week. I have watched him fade away slowly. He used to be the life of the tank, most responsive to my gestures to interact. It is yet to be determined what is wrong with him, but I honestly fear the worst. The mere fact that I find myself unable to look at the fish tank fearing the worst is evidence of the magical connection between man and animal. This experience, though not my first with animals, has given me fresh eyes to look at our current situation. Honestly feels like we are puzzle pieces; making out a perfect picture of mother nature’s true intentions for us. More like balancing equations for sustainability. Feels like though we have our own species to rely on; animals are also there to complete a family, a home and even a broken soul wondering alone. Which brings me to one of my biggest challenges everyday, trying to understand how animal cruelty even exists. How every year we have more and more animals getting extinct. The worst for me is seeing people in pure fur or other endangered animal clothing. It’s more like wearing a brochure acknowledging your taking part in animal cruelty. I am not walking from this completely blameless; but I am moving towards rectifying the issue.
October was breast cancer awareness month as you may all know, and that is my point exactly: that we may all know. I know a lot of the times people complain about people destroying the environment and each other, but today I just want to thank everyone who tries their best. Its like with each generation we get more ignorant and impulsive to destroy so much that I am sure we will regret unfortunately in the near future, but again I am grateful that this generation has made a country’s problems; the WORLD’s problems. I have some inside information about how difficult it is to try and make people listen to what they aren’t ready to hear, be it HIV/AIDS, breast cancer or even teenage suicide. Fact is most people think ignorance is bliss. But throughout October I have been more than convinced that we might be getting there as a race, to that point where we might be able to stand together against war, poverty and environmental degradation. Next time you see an initiative supporting a good cause please join and help the battle for humanity. And if you already are, someone has to say thank you, I just thought to add my name to the hopefully long list of appreciative individuals.
Took a lot more than usual to bring myself to blog, felt like a worm under the rug, took all my strength not to remain swept away. Yes hidden by vicious forces out there, be it discouraging people or your own demons; any individual should be able to relate to this. Been jumping some hoops along this marathon and the worst thing happened to me: I GOT TIRED. It has not happened to me in years but here I find myself unable to comprehend even the simplest train of thoughts. For all the writers a bit under the weather I encourage you not to beat yourself too hard, we might be going through a transition, rather a transformation. Like caterpillars in a cocoon to emerge as butterflies. For myself I believe I am awaiting of my inner roar, from a little pup into,I only hope a majestic wolf. At the end of the day, we run out of oil so we can take some time to reflect, re-invent ourselves and begin again.
I will bet my last PnP coupon that most of those who I have encountered back home are under the impression that every weekend I go AWOL, wear super revealing clothes and I have been intimate with more than ten men in the past 6 months. First and foremost my dating habits are off the table, secondly I am home most weekends. In actual fact I prefer hanging out with X-files repeats in my Onesie to partying up all night, I just give off that impression: UNINTETIONALLY. The truth is I make the most of my minimum wage; carry a packed lunch almost every working day and the most of what I make is put into my savings account. I also partake in promotional eating, i.e food tasters and specials. The one special that has been most significant is the Tuesday Marcel’s special where they offer two medium tubs for the price of one: JACKPOT. My friend Sharne and I have made this into our special thing, why?
Well we work together, get paid roughly the same amount and we are the youngest in the company. We dress up, take selfies and document them. On top of that we then walk around the mall with our awesome frozen yoghurt(I have to admit ) and share our hopes, dreams and jokes. Truth be told, it is the only thing I look forward to in a week. It represents so much yet we do so little. I am happy to be 18 years old and be able to live life goofy though I have been through a lot. Morale: In my growing up I think it important that I remember to savour the dying moments of my childhood, and only eat frozen yoghurt on special Tuesday.
The light always flickers before it finally burns out, it always rings loudest before the deafening silence and I always cry before the saddest part of my life comes. That is so I can have a brave face through it all knowing that I cried my tears out before the inevitable comes, bang bang. You know how you feel invisible but you have someone smiling right at you, feel lonely but there is someone lying next to you night after night, that’s the worst kind of feeling, it means you have what you want but not what you need. To have what you need means to sacrifice what you want, bang bang. I do not deal well with anything but just by being honest I have a social life but I need a friend, I have loved ones but I need to be understood, what’s with this burning desire to want to fit into the wrong cocoon butterfly. A feeling of belonging is overrated my love, so fly beautiful as you are, you have tried your best to belong but you have come too far to evolve, bang bang. They say its never too late to change, its also never too late to embrace who you are and make the most of it, here little butterfly with one overgrown wing, I will nurse you to full confidence. Maybe I did leave home too early, maybe amai could still have nursed me closer to normality, because how can following your heart bring such a devastating reality into existence. To appreciate what is to hopefully forget what was and could have been, bang bang. I tried running but God knows I found out too late that I have been running away from my own shadow, my own storm. Bang Bang I need to run away again because my cover story might be blown to bits, because I feel itching to come out, the girl who slit her wrists, the coward who wants to end it all without fighting. That’s when I know its time to sleep and dream of a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is here sweety, bang bang. As I hold back the tears I sob a little prayer through it all,” God has to have a plan, right?”. Don’t WhatsApp me your condolences in your offending short hand and delayed responses, bang bang what could be more important than helping your friend bury the one identity she had. Don’t message me your grievances about how the ceremonial transition occurred, if you cannot face the monster you have made then please find another way to deal with your guilt. I fight to be what God can proudly define, but we all know that’s a working progress, bang bang. Let me rest my weary head on the bunny my father bought me ten years ago, when I was perfectly a child. I know I should dream of a better future but my mind glitches sometimes, stuck in that time when no one judged me and they all thought so much more of me. I now know I should have taken a selfie with my dad at that exact time of perfection, bang bang.