That sip before inhaling

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I’m leaving whilst you burning the midnight oil

The only time I know you forget everything else except that flicker

I’m not snicking out either

I’d rather just laze around in the aftermath

And get fat with my sister

Because somethings you said left an after taste

You know belittling my struggles

What do you know about not knowing

If anyone disagrees they are not worth your attention thereafter

So I get ready for the encore chorus

Clap with me if you feel it in your existence

Repeat after me you unconventional tea lovers

“We won’t let you take away the scars

They define me

They remind me 

They mirror our daily affirmations

Our religion,our blend

So no, we won’t let you take away these scars

My struggle, my pain, my victory

You don’t get to take away my victories”

And I put down my remote-mic 

And continue my packing

My departure is part of my tying loose ends.

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The adventures with Gogo Dihwa under the tree of nostalgia

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One day when it’s all gone to waste;

My courage,my free spirit,my strong will

I will fly home with eagerness to Gogo’s bosoms

So one day we can wake up just when the sun makes us good to sleep again

That’s when it still feels like it’s regenerating our skin and not looking to bestow a bout of cancer

Whilst eating mealie meal porridge

Under the tree with dried out leaves

I’ll be inquisitive like my six year old self

She always loved how I would patiently listen as she unpacked preciously tugged away memories of the adventures of raising Amai

She loved talking about all of her children

I don’t know about now though

They’re all dead and we are both weary beings

I no longer worship Amai and she doesn’t hear me so well anymore

It is increasingly more difficult to unpack

They aren’t just memories

It’s the only place my uncles and aunts are still alive

In the purest form

Her angel ghosts

Haunting but not in an overbearing way

But assurance that a reunion is a sure thing coming

I think when I finally get to embrace Gogo Dihwa

And sit under the dried out tree of nostalgia

I’ll ask more about her adventures to becoming my beloved grandmother

Who knows, maybe her adventures

Can unlock my misadventures, the missing element

My campus has no north

I find comfort in the idea that feeling like my six year old self

Might rid me of adulting

For a precious few hours.

That woman

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We walked together as best as different species could

I envied the occasional monkey swinging by and never alone

We were raised to compete not support

Such is the silent curse that whispers most females into formation

With that I forgive every sexist female I’m yet to encounter

I am​ willing to give you a second chance

Love demands more than hatred

And I cannot shy away from a challenge

So with every waking moment I challenge myself to be inspired and not jealous

To judge less and ask more

To listen more and speak honestly

It’s more enticing to encourage than break down

Stripped off a countless times I go into the waters to cleanse not just myself but our mindset

Be that woman who just wants to bring out the best in people

Active Poetry

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“Active Poetry”is what I call activism through poetry. It is when you go beyond performing poetry at a poetry night with a cosy and intimate audience, it’s taking to the streets and letting it roar as loud as possible. I have only been to two of them but I assure you there are many more to come. The last we had here in Windhoek was to commemorate 16 days of activism against Gender Based Violence, which is a real problem in this country to say the least. It was organised by Township productions in collaboration with Grassroot Slam poetry, two active organisations in their own right. I just happen to love poetry and a budding activist.

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After all protocol was observed, we took chalk and “chalked ” out our thoughts on Gender Based Violence on the pavement on the space allowed. We encouraged members of the public to be involved, grab a chalk or ask questions, young and old were all invited and I am sure that there is one more person who knows a bit more about Gender Based Violence after our little poetry day out. Though I am not as active on my beloved blog as I would like to, the poetry never stops flowing, neither does the activist in me die. Rebel movement over and out.

 

Being Aunt Fay

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Pure innocence bright

Blinding my eyes

You have this thing of brightening up cloudless days

Forgive me child for I have sinned

Before I met you, I played out a thousand different worst case scenarios

In all of them we sacrifice everything for your well being

This must be love

Hardest hello with all my flaws

And you, little bundle of pure joy

Perfection

Difficult greetings because I am unworthy

Of such powerful embraces

Kneeling before you offering everything I am and more

Saddest goodbye every time

Because just for a while you engulf me in a world I miss

Traces of my childhood

With you in sight you make it okay to be

No questions, no need for justifications

Inhale, exhale, explore

Curiosity, pure curiosity

I need a lifetime to trust as much as you trust our embraces

You unite us

Gogo raised diverse kids

But we all melt for you

Thank you for your mere existence, little carrot

You empower us by enabling us

Allowing us to vaguely bask in your aura

Purity of emotion, of life

Bloom little flower on this canvas we will hold steadfast for you.

Ambush

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I am a struggle child

Born behind invisible bars

Yet their putrid smell nauseates me

That which I can only see

Socialised to second guess my every second breathe

Worthy or not,deserving or not

I am that which was forced out

To run with the wind is to survive

To truly live is to go against the tide

So says the mind of mephitic surroundings

I am a struggle child

With the worst kind of enemy

False freedom, dangling freedom

Close enough for me to see

Feeding my hope and faith

Yet when I run for it, that which is mine

I find I outran my monkey chord

So I am choked back to submitting

The torture resumes, this time freedom a bit closer

I am a struggle child

Stuck in a cycle with blind counterparts

For I had to scrap my third eye open

To veraciously see the truth

In the depths of my struggle

I envy the blindfolds I once had

For they kept me ignorantly consuming their version of events

Safe and sound cuddled in ignorance

I am socialised to be educated

But I would rather be well acquainted with wisdom

Listen brother,start tearing off the blindfolds

The truth shall set you sincerely free.

Losing my religion

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1450454041725I am all the green I should focus on

Though I find myself commuting amongst the masses

My destination should be my sole mission

Learning of all the places you have been has only grounded my aspirations

So I no longer will be your disciple

Pain woke me up last night, with a buzzing bustling people I could not see

Only prayer brought me relief

But with guilt darkening my thoughts, as it dawned on me that it’s been a while

Since I put it all on Him

Best part is I have lost it all just so I can paint a completely new reality

I just want change, it gives me the comfort of growth

So let me be? Feels like this time is the only time I get away with it

I am skating into the new year, full gear on

Paranoid about losing my religion

Because in 2016 I want to live for my soul

Because that is the part of me that can surpass these bones to be dust

That is the only way to live forever

Let’s go

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Windhoek Sunsets

Windhoek Sunsets

Born to be color blind

Forced to embrace a history we both dislike

Justified by forgiving but not forgetting

To keep us armed on the look out

Some get paranoid, go crazy whilst on patrol

We showed them once before

How far the teen spirit is willing to go

Just how loud we can get when you muffle our whispers

Never felt more alive

Than when we huddled around absorbing what was

Which on  countless measure helps us understand what is, the canvas for what will be

Overdosed on nostalgia on days people choose to remember

The African child in our own light

Happily holding hands with the rest of the world

We are allowed to indulge in our own uniqueness

Enough about protocol

All I want is to lay down with pride

And gaze upon the stars of diverse cultures

That paint our skies different shades

As a gentle breeze blows filled with beautiful voices

Singing in different languages I do not understand but feel

I close my eyes and let the rhythmic wind lullaby me to ease

Appreciating the open space that lets us play our freedom song

Accepting that we are all singing the same song just a different tune

Celebrating that we are painting the same picture with different colors

Allow yourself to lay down with me and proudly embrace this heritage.

From the ashes I can only rise

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img1424704979678I would like to thank everyone who made me feel ugly

You made me feel invisible and that it was never okay to be who I am

I have lived my life like no one’s watching

And that has allowed me to dance,sing, shout and laugh like there’s nobody watching

Special shout out to people who have victimized me for being a tomboy

You made me second guess who I was until I was sure

In my every bone that the voice I listened to was really my heart

And to the special people who went to the trouble of making fun of my small features

Thank you for showing me just how cruel the world is

Almost nothing gets me off guard now that I know what people can say to a young girl

Words are powerless to express my gratitude

To the people who bluntly told me I would not make it past high school

It made me study twice as hard every time I failed

Because I had to prove you wrong

And for that, I appreciate making it to University even more

Thanks a ton to everyone I cared for who gradually forgot about my existence

No pain measures against a love one who no longer holds a torch quite like the fire

that still burns for them inside you

It got me paranoid about what was wrong with me

It eventually became a cycle till I realised such is life

It has made me love harder because like you, it could disappear anytime

All my love and thanks to the people who have said no to my words

It is only through rejection that my words have found depth

To the ironies of life, it was so awesome of you

To turn up every time I thought my life could not get worse

I have suffered many sleepless nights only for the truth to dawn on me

That I will never have it all figured out

So why not shut it all out and throw my hands to the sky

Words honestly can’t describe how thankful I am

To everyone who belittled me

You drove me to the edge, where I felt even smaller

It gave me first hand experience of what it feeels like to have nothing to live for

It gave me the courage to start a blog where I could voice out to as many people at the edge as possible

So they can look around and find they are never alone

And to the few I have ever let in and still broke my heart regardless

Please accept my vehement protestations of gratitude

After a great deal of self loathing and despair that again kept me up at night

That often causes me to withdraw, I have found myself closer to God

How can I show how grateful I am?

To the random strangers that have smiled at me, or the people in my life who have made me apart of their lives

You have made my existence a whole less awkward

And you have renewed my faith in the humankind

Without you there is no faith, hope and charity

To fuel the free-spirit I am today .

Ghosts from beyond

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20150131_122204I thought if I went without a fight, they might have mercy on me

A silent tear drop is all I succumbed to

When I grow up I want a six foot wall around my house

Six foot high, six foot deep

With an enormous gate and a vicious dog

That’s the image I pin on my head rest

The dream I keep alive as they hurl me away

The first and last picture I see each day

Not some white picket fence

That’s someone else’s dream

Other people’s blood spilled just for that dream

I am not about to disrespect my forefather’s struggle

For they sacrificed more than they had to

For my freedom of choice not to flee

And be a parasite latching onto someone else’s dream

That is why I keep my dream alive

Working towards my six foot wall and dagga  house

Doesn’t mean I have to plunge my roots where I feed

I admit I might seem to duck the tide

But I am sticking to my original plan

I think because I went without a fight

They tied the chains twice as hard on me

God knows I try so hard not to disappoint you:

The spirits in the wind, fallen blood of my blood

You just do not understand

They have us by the hook, through their music and television

I know your blood boils as you witness us get so lost in the crowd

Yes I hear your echos, shadows I feel your anguish and fear your wrath

But my voice alone is not doing your purpose justice

I wish they could you call them back to the motherland

To rather die an honest people than to become of which we are not entitled to

I have tried before and failed oh spirit of my fathers

Now I have been blessed again

But I find myself falling for the mistakes I should learn from

I am afraid I will fail you again

After all you have done for me, an extraordinary love you had

Wipe my tears and grant me strength

As i write on skew words

Giving dimension to words you whisper to me at night

What if I become my words

Will you forgive my past sins

Yes I hear you loud and clear

I will keep up the fight fulfill my dream

Build my six foot wall around my house

And breed that dog to keep them out

Hopefully that will keep their clutch at bay

But if, or rather, when modernity comes for me or blood of my blood

We promise to fight with all we have.