Dear 19 year old rebel

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Feels like I am back full circle

But do not want to believe that this is it

Blog 3 years old, body 21 but my soul old as ever trying to remember days before the reincarnation

You hustling and working, energised to change the world, keep at it

I come from the other side, the chewed up  hippie

Met a few homies who said my rants won’t save the world

So as the walls come crushing down, I am willing to face them

I have not completely given up on humanity or us

I just want it all to make sense

We still not published though

because the more I read the more I feel I have nothing worthy to say

When we started this, we wanted less kids to slit their wrists

And less beautiful dark skinned individuals to bleach their skin

All I am now is full of phobias and pity because there is a story behind that dysfunction

Feels like by the time they read my blog, if they ever

It’s too late

But regardless, will keep sending my version of Morse code

No manual needed, your heart does the interpretation

Taking a gap year was not a waste of time, I still look back at you

Winking at how awesome you were at being ignorant

In a rush to unlearn all I have

First would be letting go of the saddest love I have ever known

It has me trapped in a cage of endless possibilities

But no concrete evidence that what I believe is real, I think he is my truest testimony at having complete faith in a being

I remember how nervous I was today, three years ago

Now I cannot possibly give any less of a sh@!

Because everybody is going to find some fault

After 300 words of rambling what I am getting to is:

All our pain and suffering was not in vain

I do not have the end game with me now

Actually life took a detour and I am some how where I began

On better days I have a little cheer leader who smiles at me indiscriminately

On bad days I do not jump off because no one is there to mind her but me

And above all I want to protect her from all this for as long as I am allowed to

Her mum keeps reminding me how unhappy I am

She does not get that being alive is as joyous as some days come, because yes a human being can sink that low

All in all I want you and me to make sense, to add up

Friends have shuffled, family keeps dwindling and I do  not know where I am going with this

But I have come to fully surrender to a higher power beyond my full comprehension

That maybe having people touch us in places we never knew existed will never make sense

Or feeling a deep sense of melancholy that leaves you physically paralysed, well just happens

All I am saying to you I guess is I still do not have answers to  even half of what happened to you

But I have stopped living for you because is more rewarding than yesterday

I have become selfish like that

I just want to make enough money to go about living my life

And enough memories for the next life over

So I just walk in anywhere and everywhere identifying myself as an African

No relation.

I am making it up as I go, because everyday I feel like a better version

Gotta Upgrade, meaning moving on from who you thought I should be

With that in mind this is my last letter to you

 

 

 

 

How not to give up on your personal blog

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Having a personal blog is one of the most excruciating thing out there. Mainly because you have to constantly remind yourself that the blog is for you by you and well usually about you too. The tide gets rough when you do not get as much traffic as you expected or wanted, which is the state my blog is in, and you start questioning your writing skills, purpose and reality. You are constantly torn between sharing too much and not saying out right.

This is when you need a support system, family and or friends who were most probably present at the start, to remind you of your original goals, there is a high chance that the cruel reality of the internet will hit you hard and leave you in a state of confusion. Whilst dazed and confused from the back hand of how little an impact you might be making with your blog, the likelihood of you giving up increases and hence the need for a functioning support system. There are some people I am close to but I do not really talk about my blog with them, sometimes the blog is a separate entity, one I cannot fully explain or want to talk about. But the ones I do talk to about it often keep me posting my random weird thoughts that are clearly not everyone’s cup of tea.

Second piece of advice, have clear set goals as to what your blog should be about. I have to confess when it comes to this part I lack consistency mainly because I only write when I have a thought that is nagging my everyday existence. Unfortunately this does not happen as often as I would like and it does not come in one form. Sometimes it is poetry or its like today’s post. Whatever you do, do what you feel is good, might as well make a blog that one  thing in life you do how you want, that is if everything else is minutely controlled by unforeseeable circumstances.

Do not compare your personal blog to other blogs, you will think at first that it is good to check how others are doing it, before long you are caught in the trap of not measuring up to the next guy. Honestly it is like comparing personalities or D.N.A, two will never be the same, familiar but not exact. Three years on, I am proud of my blog, it is my baby and I have no hesitation telling whoever wants to hear about it. I started my blog as a therapeutic way of me dealing with the various issues I deal with, as well as provide some insight for those curious about how some of live on this side of the world. Curious enough most of my readers are not on the African continent. But most importantly I started my blog to help someone out there who thinks they are alone in a similar struggle I am in.

Lastly, do not be afraid to evolve, indulge the change you have become, you can only stay the same before even your reflection is bored of you. Still on the inquisitive tip : Have I evolved to be what I wanted to be or what I was meant to be? Happy Blogging and for my non-bloggers, happy evolving.

Losing my religion

1450454041725I am all the green I should focus on

Though I find myself commuting amongst the masses

My destination should be my sole mission

Learning of all the places you have been has only grounded my aspirations

So I no longer will be your disciple

Pain woke me up last night, with a buzzing bustling people I could not see

Only prayer brought me relief

But with guilt darkening my thoughts, as it dawned on me that it’s been a while

Since I put it all on Him

Best part is I have lost it all just so I can paint a completely new reality

I just want change, it gives me the comfort of growth

So let me be? Feels like this time is the only time I get away with it

I am skating into the new year, full gear on

Paranoid about losing my religion

Because in 2016 I want to live for my soul

Because that is the part of me that can surpass these bones to be dust

That is the only way to live forever

Blowing Smoke

20150703_121847I am angry, I am drowning

Not sure if I am drowning because I am angry

Or if I am angry because I have given up

Hence I am overwhelmed because I slumped my shoulders

Because when I get back home from work and school

All I can look forward to are a few messages

Of love from around the world

Which I ponder over in the midst of incense

But what frustrates me the most is that I have no one to blame but myself

Its the spirit of adventure that led me to fly my immature wings

When I relate my story I speak of free will, adventure

And taking charge of ones destiny

Behind the scenes it is just me and him blowing cigarette smoke

And dreaming of laying parallel to God’s wings

I do not talk about the friends who continue living their lives for others

And have become blind to my anguish

Or the ones that forever judge my imperfections

Kissing up so that I have a message or two to greet me after a long day

But truth be told I stopped painting the real picture

When I realised we  were not even on the same page

So I smoke and I drink and I ask pictures I have of you if you were ever around

Because I no longer see you in the passenger seat of our road trip

Misadventures of a free spirited girl

Whose only regret is making plans with those are not  free

Nothing but looking up to the heavens

It got me doing some intense research, the need to have my words heard. Not only heard but for them to inspire if not a revolution or rebellion then to just be comfort to those in the dark. Book after book I was told poetry does not go very far, its just something personal, not a money making industry hence very little investment opportunities. So no money means I will not be heard,next question, “Where are you?………Africa…….honestly we cannot help.”

So for a few days I kicked every pebble  on every pathway I took, angry at the world because it did not have the time and money for what I had to say, its a sickening feeling you know, to feel as if no one’s listening. Feels like you are screaming in a bubble floating far off into space where no one is. You either get tired or your voice runs out, yes even your body and mind can give up on you, no words, as if to say they have caught on to what your heart and spirit have not.

And then I go back to my normal routine and try to forget childhood dreams of life before twenty, but it is still my waking thought and the reason I am blind to any other achievements, because the child in me will not be forgotten. So that is the endless cycle I find myself in, a battle of the war, and whatever happens may I always find my way to my words and courage to stand for them. And this is my message in a bottle, to the ocean of bottles. That the right person finds this, but then again they say I should make my own place in this world, I cannot be constrained to just throwing message bottles now can I? My mother works too damn hard for me not to be great, why does the path seem forever foggy though. Such that

WHAT THE???????!!!!!
WHAT THE???????!!!!!

when I do find time to dwell upon  this cursed world we all seem to badly want to belong to, I find myself looking towards the heavens for enlightenment, for what else is there to do when you run out of the yellow brick road to follow.

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DSCF0306I am living in my head

As the fine line between two worlds thins out

Find myself laughing in desert sands

When it is the ocean breeze I smell

Its my blankets that keep me warm

But your arms that keep me close

But you always in my head

Locked in amber by the distance

And every time we converse,

We engage with so much passion we converge

We shrivel only to become withering souls

Surviving by taking in shallow breathes of the hope we might resurrect like the phoenix

And even as we lay as ash

I will not let us be just another sad tale

Because you always in my head

The good and bad voices all mimic yours

They pushing and pulling me from the inside out

No alarms go off

As your presence always catches me off guard

Teasing me by coming and going

You some where in my head

I might not see you here and there

But far and low I surely will go

Just to be with you

Probably why I am living in my head.

Dear She-Cray-Cray

DSCF0139Its that time again; after midnight and you have probably put your phone on silent to ensure some beauty sleep, oh so I tell myself. I decide to take the woman’s voice and leave a message. I know you have work tomorrow morning but I just finished my night shift. Its been a few days since we have conversed, a few weeks since I have called and a few months since we saw each other. I know I play a heavy hand in this. You will probably see the missed call and shrug it off, not because you do not care, but just cause. There was a time when you would call me back, even use your family land-line to call me, remember? I even saved it because I kept confusing it with call backs after job interviews. I know its mainly my fault so I thought I would call tonight and catch up on so much, I have a back log that dates back to December hey. I made good tips tonight and bought tonnes of airtime, promised myself we were going to talk for hours. Can’t wait to see you; for a short while before I leave.

Tonight I thought i should remind you of a couple of between the lines forgotten facts. To maybe remind you the worth of your tears, those when they fall sadden the earth because they do not belong there. More fun facts like how beautiful you are even without a filter. That fr the longest time ever we made Marcel’s frozen yogurt awesome. You should never live in the past, unless you are reliving moments when we laughed till we cried, that was mostly you though, and stop punishing yourself for being human and making mistakes.

Last but not least you made it okay for me to dress with no purpose and made sure I always had a dance partner. You make the best collages; when i make it you will be in charge of my media coverage, I can hear you roar with laughter just after I say that.

If this were a two way conversation, I were going to make you pinky promise never to forget me. That no matter what life threw at us, we would not give up, I won’t if you won’t. I will never stop calling  just as long as you never stop answering. Let’s be young and hopeful to defy all odds against us.

Everyone’s Mistake

IMG-20140812-WA0008Somewhere; somehow I lost the plot

Feel like pulling out my hair

If it wasn’t falling out already

I had it all figured out

Nurtured by horror stories of the consequences

But those were just lies my mother told me

No one could imagine the ordeal

Later on relate the unimaginable emotional roller-coaster

That it takes a few thoughtless decisions

To reduce your existence; expectations to nil

I wish the regret dawned years later

But the dark cloud latches onto you within seconds of penetration

Of the forbidden fruit

Never knew anything could involuntarily take so much from me

Stripped to the soul

No amount of clothing could shield me from the cold gust of disgust

No amount of water can wash out the self hatred

Its not the actual act as it is the idea that I thought I was a cut above the rest

That I was in control, yet I am falling to dust

I have been humbled by the mistake that brought me back to earth

Now as I free fall to my demise

I know my rebirth will be crowned by humble realizations

That everyone’s mistake is thinking they too good to make that one mistake.

Part (2): Family and Friends

DSCF0323We all make decisions, it is part of life, but with every decision its as if you enter a new phase of life and unfortunately not everyone is cut out to be part of that phase, be it friends or family. I learnt this the hard way. After all is said and done I believe I have made it quite clear to people that I just want the simpler things in life, to be one with nature and spread the goodness of peace and one love. So I have tried through 2014 to do just that and unfortunately  have lost some people because of that. Well its pretty simple if you are an obstruction to my cause, firstly I will try convince you, after exhausting this I will turn to extraction; there is only so much negativity one person can take. So because of these two easy steps I have lost much I thought I could not survive without. As a result my already small social circle shrunk quite a lot, not that I am complaining, but it would have been nice to get into 2015 with some friends. Another reason I let go of some people who I knew for a few years was their attitude to new experiences; FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN, that just rubs me up the wrong way. I mean we are young, what have we got to lose, we cannot change the world if we know nothing of it, if we stay ignorant of the good and bad how are we ever to improve it.

What I miss about Gweru are my little sisters ad nephew, I would have loved to be there to watch them grow, geez I know its just been over a year since I have seen them but they have grown up drastically. Like one minute we were fighting over whether to watch cartoon network or mnet series, now they uploading selfies on a daily basis, quoting Nicki Minaj songs and demanding the best in fashion. I miss the simpler things we seek in life ;cannot help but wonder the outcome had I stuck around. In the end we all have to find our true calling by ourselves, one way or the other. That’s just the tip of the iceberg; my brother Keith got married obviously yours truly missed the wedding, my grandmother is spending more time living with my mum(which I always wanted since I  was a kid) and last but not least my nephew is turning six next month.

And there are those few who survived the axe of change, our friendships have evolved, some are now like sisters and others just a distant memory to flirt around with when I get bored of the present and want to tango with the past a bit. One thing has remained constant; the rebel within me.

Wrapping up 2014 PART(1): Sibling Grammar

2014-04-07 07.00.59So I here is how I am going to sum up my year, I am going to divide the year into three parts; sibling grammar, friends and family and lastly me, myself and I.

2014 started as a healing phase for my siblings and I, at least on my part. In the sense that I had not untill this year lived with my brother or sister for four years and counting. I was always in school and I only visited them once  year which barely compensated for the other eleven months. But thanks to this year I got to know the adult version of the looming figures I grew up worshipping as a kid.  I got to witness behind the scenes action of how my ambitious, success driven sister comes to make her dreams a reality with just God and her dreams as her ammunition. She has a meticulous way of planning ahead which means more secure fun times, but then again it also leaves a lot of room for disappointment. I have witnessed one of my super heroes fall and rise and I have had to deal with the fact that my sister is human after all despite what I have convinced myself  in the past. She has also had to make peace with my unconventional outlook on life and by now she is not entirely embarrassed by my dressing, the way I walk or the little things that fascinate me.

Then there is my older brother with a very mellow approach t life, which of course contradicts my sister’s views completely. Often I found myself with two sets of advice which barely complimented each other, due to the fact that my brother and sister are very much their own persons, with the common ground of having me as a little sister.  The only other thing we have in common is our will to survive despite the circumstances. Believe it or not through some very tough times in 2014 we found ourselves brushing problems off on account that we really have been through tougher times. Its never easy been raised by a single parent in an unforgiving economic situation. My brother always has the same advice to give me just in different words: IT’S ALL GOING TO BE FINE, ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. He has been an unexpected pillar of strength in a very unconventional way. We got a ‘bromance’ thing going on and fits into my life perfectly.

At the end of it all, as I leave for university in a couple of weeks, I have mastered it all, how to balance out my brother’s and sister’s advice and influence. As we part ways I am confident we will remain close and in spirit conquer it all together.