Dear 19 year old rebel

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Feels like I am back full circle

But do not want to believe that this is it

Blog 3 years old, body 21 but my soul old as ever trying to remember days before the reincarnation

You hustling and working, energised to change the world, keep at it

I come from the other side, the chewed up  hippie

Met a few homies who said my rants won’t save the world

So as the walls come crushing down, I am willing to face them

I have not completely given up on humanity or us

I just want it all to make sense

We still not published though

because the more I read the more I feel I have nothing worthy to say

When we started this, we wanted less kids to slit their wrists

And less beautiful dark skinned individuals to bleach their skin

All I am now is full of phobias and pity because there is a story behind that dysfunction

Feels like by the time they read my blog, if they ever

It’s too late

But regardless, will keep sending my version of Morse code

No manual needed, your heart does the interpretation

Taking a gap year was not a waste of time, I still look back at you

Winking at how awesome you were at being ignorant

In a rush to unlearn all I have

First would be letting go of the saddest love I have ever known

It has me trapped in a cage of endless possibilities

But no concrete evidence that what I believe is real, I think he is my truest testimony at having complete faith in a being

I remember how nervous I was today, three years ago

Now I cannot possibly give any less of a sh@!

Because everybody is going to find some fault

After 300 words of rambling what I am getting to is:

All our pain and suffering was not in vain

I do not have the end game with me now

Actually life took a detour and I am some how where I began

On better days I have a little cheer leader who smiles at me indiscriminately

On bad days I do not jump off because no one is there to mind her but me

And above all I want to protect her from all this for as long as I am allowed to

Her mum keeps reminding me how unhappy I am

She does not get that being alive is as joyous as some days come, because yes a human being can sink that low

All in all I want you and me to make sense, to add up

Friends have shuffled, family keeps dwindling and I do  not know where I am going with this

But I have come to fully surrender to a higher power beyond my full comprehension

That maybe having people touch us in places we never knew existed will never make sense

Or feeling a deep sense of melancholy that leaves you physically paralysed, well just happens

All I am saying to you I guess is I still do not have answers to  even half of what happened to you

But I have stopped living for you because is more rewarding than yesterday

I have become selfish like that

I just want to make enough money to go about living my life

And enough memories for the next life over

So I just walk in anywhere and everywhere identifying myself as an African

No relation.

I am making it up as I go, because everyday I feel like a better version

Gotta Upgrade, meaning moving on from who you thought I should be

With that in mind this is my last letter to you

 

 

 

 

Dear She-Cray-Cray

DSCF0139Its that time again; after midnight and you have probably put your phone on silent to ensure some beauty sleep, oh so I tell myself. I decide to take the woman’s voice and leave a message. I know you have work tomorrow morning but I just finished my night shift. Its been a few days since we have conversed, a few weeks since I have called and a few months since we saw each other. I know I play a heavy hand in this. You will probably see the missed call and shrug it off, not because you do not care, but just cause. There was a time when you would call me back, even use your family land-line to call me, remember? I even saved it because I kept confusing it with call backs after job interviews. I know its mainly my fault so I thought I would call tonight and catch up on so much, I have a back log that dates back to December hey. I made good tips tonight and bought tonnes of airtime, promised myself we were going to talk for hours. Can’t wait to see you; for a short while before I leave.

Tonight I thought i should remind you of a couple of between the lines forgotten facts. To maybe remind you the worth of your tears, those when they fall sadden the earth because they do not belong there. More fun facts like how beautiful you are even without a filter. That fr the longest time ever we made Marcel’s frozen yogurt awesome. You should never live in the past, unless you are reliving moments when we laughed till we cried, that was mostly you though, and stop punishing yourself for being human and making mistakes.

Last but not least you made it okay for me to dress with no purpose and made sure I always had a dance partner. You make the best collages; when i make it you will be in charge of my media coverage, I can hear you roar with laughter just after I say that.

If this were a two way conversation, I were going to make you pinky promise never to forget me. That no matter what life threw at us, we would not give up, I won’t if you won’t. I will never stop calling  just as long as you never stop answering. Let’s be young and hopeful to defy all odds against us.

Everyone’s Mistake

IMG-20140812-WA0008Somewhere; somehow I lost the plot

Feel like pulling out my hair

If it wasn’t falling out already

I had it all figured out

Nurtured by horror stories of the consequences

But those were just lies my mother told me

No one could imagine the ordeal

Later on relate the unimaginable emotional roller-coaster

That it takes a few thoughtless decisions

To reduce your existence; expectations to nil

I wish the regret dawned years later

But the dark cloud latches onto you within seconds of penetration

Of the forbidden fruit

Never knew anything could involuntarily take so much from me

Stripped to the soul

No amount of clothing could shield me from the cold gust of disgust

No amount of water can wash out the self hatred

Its not the actual act as it is the idea that I thought I was a cut above the rest

That I was in control, yet I am falling to dust

I have been humbled by the mistake that brought me back to earth

Now as I free fall to my demise

I know my rebirth will be crowned by humble realizations

That everyone’s mistake is thinking they too good to make that one mistake.