Just,,,,,Sorry

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I have established that I am sorry

But the debate goes on within as to why I am sorry

I think I am sorry because I wronged you

I know I am sorry for simply not being strong enough to see that you know that you are no good for me

I am sorry that I still confide in you in the hope you will finally care

I am sorry for:

persisting on lost hope,

holding onto your every word,

praying for a kiss,

believing in the kiss we shared,

reading too much into you taking my hand,

losing focus in your eyes,

and for every night I dream of laying in your arms

I’m sorry I let my friends feed me with the illusion of you loving me

I’m sorry I do not think I am beautiful enough for you

I’m sorry about hiding behind artificial makings

I’m sorry I think you disapprove of who I am

I am sorry for trying to be the perfect girl for you

I am sorry I cherish the picture of the two of us

I am sorry I safeguard your legacy in your absence

I am sorry about saving up for your birthday when I know you do not remember mine

I am sorry I long to be with you as soon as you let go

I am sorry I am waiting to be identified as yours to feel whole

I am sorry for becoming devoted to an egocentric man

I am sorry I do not feel confident around you

I am sorry I will never forget you when I know you will

I am sorry I am that girl who fell for you

I am sorry for breaking the promise I made, about not writing about you

I am sorry I will never stop apologising.

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Nigel to be missed

2

I do not know what it is i will miss

I am not sure why it is i will miss you

But I think I will

Regardless of whether or not you will

Taking no account of who you are

But I feel I will miss you

Despite us not having anything concrete

We can of course play the blame game 

Unfortunately time is of the essence

Let us just say what defines us

Acquaintances, friends or more 

Whatever we are I will dearly miss you 

There is this uncanny wave about your eyes 

A mystery I would have loved to unravel 

Almost as much as I hope to understand 

“You and I” the very idea perplexes me

In spite of all the obscurity that surrounds us, I will miss you

You cant give me what i want and you don’t need what i have to offer

I can give you what you want and you can give me what I desperately need

We can never be on the same side of a coin

Why even entertain such theories

Like letters from a lover to a beloved

When the time to part is at hand

When goodbye is what is rational to say

My last words can only be:

This is hello to endless possibilities

Where you can really show I am special

Just ‘special’, i will miss the simplicity of your voluminous words

They could not be just words or you are damned

For once I will not hide behind walls of threat

And simply write

I will heartlessly miss you

As my heart will journey with you.Image 

Liberating Realisations

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I am not a diary, particularly your diary

My sole mission is not to keep a daily record of your life events

Neither is it to note your future plans

You have sluggishly, clandestinely reduced my worth to simple pages

Slowly over time you have anaesthetized my soul

Helped me forget I am more than your daily reminder

The strength within me has awoken my soul in slumber

For there is more to me than what you have mechanised me to be

For a girl always has her inner strength

 

The soul slowly regains momentum

The heart beats past the spider webs

It hammers to give vitality again

I not aware of it’s existence, You not willing to spare it

It pounds away what it once was

A resting place for all your skulduggery

So much of your pain  laid to rest

A ticking time bomb I would have become

If you had not choked its last surviving vein

With all your games it was subdued to

It still buffeted past the pain

After so long I finally hear my own heart beat

I no longer just look after yours

A lady always has her inner strength

 

My heartbeat fuelled by the soul fires up my spirit

Yes it did live on after you killed off everything else

But its core business was to serve you

It live don for you and only you

To make sure you were never lonely

To ensure you never discovered strain

To make happiness insurmountable

But now it has its own soul and heart beat

Its sole purpose is to rediscover the liveliness that once blossomed in my spirits garden

For I must break free from your bondage

And be who I genuinely should be

I can only love the world

When I learn to love myself

You once deprived me of this

As always a woman has her inner strength

 

My mind has always been prone to propagandists

I am now better protected from your propaganda

That which made me believe I was less than I am

You should have impelled my devotion to a greater cause

Than just simply you, a selfish cause

My mind has always been capable

But you would not hear of it, all you wanted was a servant;

Not a queen to build a nation

Not an orator to fight a popular notion

Well my mind is now emancipated

With the help of my soul, heart and spirit

My mind can finally drive and not be driven

I can finally live out my dream

 

My body is not a simple vessel

Neither is it a concubine

it is the perfect courier for my divine being

I am there when you need a friend not a diary

I am here if you need a partner not a servant

I will be available when you can finally see through me.Image 

 

  

To My sisters in Nigeria#BringBackOurGirls

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As I look through a lens of scissor cut articles

To possibly understand the unimaginable horror

I succumb to a great pain and sense of helplessness

To feel safe and have your world toppled over

I can only imagine what goes through your mind

Held against your will, caged spirit, bottled up emotion

Hope, despair, sadness, then a bit of joy in the solace prayer gives

But we are all irrevocably human

As day turns into night and then day again

As you find yourselves imprisoned still

Prayer might seem futile

But hold on to the little alleviation prayer gives

And the few streaks of happiness that come when you remember simpler times

Not forgetting the  possibility that living is just enough for hope of a better tomorrow

I know the main thing uniting us is the unique African origins

But that is more than enough for all of us here to pray and hope

For a reality where we hear you are back home safe and sound

Whenever you find yourselves quivering with fear;

Drowning in despair, choking on helplessness

Look through a window, or a crack deep in the night

And count the stars, for that’s as many as we are

Those who are praying and partitioning for your safe return

Whatever may happen do not let them kill your spirits or destroy your hope.

 

Why do I remember so vividly

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I remember teaching you how to smile

Not to just flash your teeth

But to smile inwardly so much

Your smile radiates pure happiness

I remember I would be so confident

But that became null around you

I would bite my nails, giggle uncontrollably

To your over pouring compliments

I remember looking at you and finding joy

How for the first time

I did not hate myself

For falling for your species’ simple words

Because coming from a mime

Meant the world to me

I remember getting on and off stage

No longer  feeling as I knew you were there lingering in the audience

To catch my eye and reassure me with your new smile

I remember getting angry

At your betrayal

And at how quick you were to find me not so beautiful

Like I always told you, like you always disputed

I remember getting everything swept away

Amongst them was you

But the tornado was too strong a breeze

I remember crying for the first time

After falling so hard

As momentum and balance were snatched away

Every time I let my mind

Gaze at thoughts of you

it gets more hungry than filled up

It gets more thirsty than quenched

It gets more curious than satisfied

I remember that I will always remember

And that you have forgotten

Why have I been cursed with this trait

That disappears every time I meet the next you

Why is it if I never forget, I will never heal

And when I finally do, I will never learn.Image  

  

 

I’m a lone wolf

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Some nights when the tide is high

I gaze at the sky the night of memories

I whisper away the urge to relapse

I hope that in a summer haze I will forget

I believe that we were in union

But you still walk with your tail between your legs

Head down low whimpering I’m a lone wolf

Time has always been a limiting factor

But when I’m with you mother time is kind enough to freeze it

It seems so only for  me but you remember every second

How I would not dare breath in as a sign of satisfaction

Stranded on an island of insecurities you recite “I’m a lone wolf”

I retreat, white flag outside my confused heart

I withdraw my shoulders and feel the weight of you lift off

I resign from your company of little words

I deactivate my position as the ever there rock in your world

I disillude myself with the notion you will ever see yourself the way I cherish you

Whatever I do, wherever you go, you will always be a lone wolf. 

#freestyle

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The light always flickers before it finally burns out, it always rings loudest before the deafening silence and I always cry before the saddest part of my life comes. That is so I can have a brave face through it all knowing that I cried my tears out before the inevitable comes, bang bang. You know how you feel invisible but you have someone smiling right at you, feel lonely but there is someone lying next to you night after night, that’s the worst kind of feeling, it means you have what you want but not what you need. To have what you need means to sacrifice what you want, bang bang. I do not deal well with anything but just by being honest I have a social life but I need a friend, I have loved ones but I need to be understood, what’s with this burning desire to want to fit into the wrong cocoon butterfly. A feeling of belonging is overrated my love, so fly beautiful as you are, you have tried your best to belong but you have come too far to evolve, bang bang. They say its never too late to change, its also never too late to embrace who you are and make the most of it, here little butterfly with one overgrown wing, I will nurse you to full confidence. Maybe I did leave home too early, maybe amai could still have nursed me closer to normality, because how can following your heart bring such a devastating reality into existence. To appreciate what is to hopefully forget what was and could have been, bang bang. I tried running but God knows I found out too late that I have been running away from my own shadow, my own storm. Bang Bang I need to run away again because my cover story might be blown to bits, because I feel itching to come out, the girl who slit her wrists, the coward who wants to end it all without fighting. That’s when I know its time to sleep and dream of a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is here sweety, bang bang. As I hold back the tears I sob a little prayer through it all,” God has to have a plan, right?”. Don’t WhatsApp me your condolences in your offending short hand and delayed responses, bang bang what could be more important than helping your friend bury the one identity she had. Don’t message me your grievances about how the ceremonial transition occurred, if you cannot face the monster you have made then please find another way to deal with your guilt. I fight to be what God can proudly define, but we all know that’s a working progress, bang bang. Let me rest my weary head on the bunny my father bought meIMG-20140407-WA000 ten years ago, when I was perfectly a child. I know I should dream of a better future but my mind glitches sometimes, stuck in that time when no one judged me and they all thought so much more of me. I now know I should have taken a selfie with my dad at that exact time of perfection, bang bang.      

Just What Is

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You never made me feel beautiful

You never did say what it is you should have

And that weighed me down

What should have brought me dismay

Is how after all these days and I am of age

I should wait on a man’s approval

On this day and as I am of age

I do have the right to say just what is

To be an African in the motherland

To be an African woman in the heart of the cradle of mankind

Is to be certain that by the God given rains

That the future is yours for the taking

To be strong and steadfast in the hope of a better future

To be independent but not desolate

And when he raises his hand against you

We should understand that once is more than enough reason to leave

And the only way we can have the strength to leave

Is to know we deserve better

Than that of fists instead of words

Liaison instead of tainted words

Which break your heart and spirit

And to those brothers who remain of repressive ways

You can continue belligerently treating me

And underestimating me

But I have had my forefathers fight to the death

For my freedom as an African

My worth as a woman

You could forsake your immature ways

And join the fight against woman abuse in Africa

Women help Africa beautiful. 

Candidate 45

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I will not speak of another’s heartaches

Be it candidate 44 0r 46

In honest truth I have worries

That I exceed my holding capacity

So relate no longer to the outside world

Because everything I have worked for boils down to this

All the years will be defined

By a period from October to November

Life has proved yet again to be antagonistic

I have put in years and yet hours will make or break me

But that is the least of my worries

My spirit is thronged by the anxiety

Of whether or not I will get there

I know I am losing myself

My anxiety paralyses me into a trance

That has my body locked in suspension

Of lack of food, sleep, focus

I am not the first nor the last

When will I get the perfect mark?

That should bring back my confidence

Which got stolen on registration day

What pains me the most really

Is witnessing candidate 40 to wherever

Understand what keeps me up all night

What kills me then

Is knowing my stronghold has lost faith in my abilities

That turns my world grey

The going is now stormy

And my only wish sometimes

Is to be woken up when November ends

I have come too far to give up

I have lost too much to let it go

I will now end my complaints and get working

For I know with the arrival of October

I will be alone on that desk

Equipped with a few essentials

My pen; My God; My effort.Image