Dear She-Cray-Cray

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DSCF0139Its that time again; after midnight and you have probably put your phone on silent to ensure some beauty sleep, oh so I tell myself. I decide to take the woman’s voice and leave a message. I know you have work tomorrow morning but I just finished my night shift. Its been a few days since we have conversed, a few weeks since I have called and a few months since we saw each other. I know I play a heavy hand in this. You will probably see the missed call and shrug it off, not because you do not care, but just cause. There was a time when you would call me back, even use your family land-line to call me, remember? I even saved it because I kept confusing it with call backs after job interviews. I know its mainly my fault so I thought I would call tonight and catch up on so much, I have a back log that dates back to December hey. I made good tips tonight and bought tonnes of airtime, promised myself we were going to talk for hours. Can’t wait to see you; for a short while before I leave.

Tonight I thought i should remind you of a couple of between the lines forgotten facts. To maybe remind you the worth of your tears, those when they fall sadden the earth because they do not belong there. More fun facts like how beautiful you are even without a filter. That fr the longest time ever we made Marcel’s frozen yogurt awesome. You should never live in the past, unless you are reliving moments when we laughed till we cried, that was mostly you though, and stop punishing yourself for being human and making mistakes.

Last but not least you made it okay for me to dress with no purpose and made sure I always had a dance partner. You make the best collages; when i make it you will be in charge of my media coverage, I can hear you roar with laughter just after I say that.

If this were a two way conversation, I were going to make you pinky promise never to forget me. That no matter what life threw at us, we would not give up, I won’t if you won’t. I will never stop calling  just as long as you never stop answering. Let’s be young and hopeful to defy all odds against us.

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Everyone’s Mistake

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IMG-20140812-WA0008Somewhere; somehow I lost the plot

Feel like pulling out my hair

If it wasn’t falling out already

I had it all figured out

Nurtured by horror stories of the consequences

But those were just lies my mother told me

No one could imagine the ordeal

Later on relate the unimaginable emotional roller-coaster

That it takes a few thoughtless decisions

To reduce your existence; expectations to nil

I wish the regret dawned years later

But the dark cloud latches onto you within seconds of penetration

Of the forbidden fruit

Never knew anything could involuntarily take so much from me

Stripped to the soul

No amount of clothing could shield me from the cold gust of disgust

No amount of water can wash out the self hatred

Its not the actual act as it is the idea that I thought I was a cut above the rest

That I was in control, yet I am falling to dust

I have been humbled by the mistake that brought me back to earth

Now as I free fall to my demise

I know my rebirth will be crowned by humble realizations

That everyone’s mistake is thinking they too good to make that one mistake.

Wrapping up 2014 Part(3):Me,Myself andI

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20140831_111038-1-1~2I  am the best version of MYSELF yet, that was made possible only by 2014. I do not have much to say about myself because I am still reflecting and my prior posts do say quite a bit. I am just happy I am evolving, getting bolder and going places.

I have learnt to finally love myself for who I am, to look in the mirror and not look for flaws but to inspire myself to be grateful for who I am. I am not perfect and I am not perfectly content with who I am, but I do believe in continuous improvement and allowing myself to learn from my mistakes. being 19 in this day and age is not easy but I am trying by all means to hold on to my innocence and not let this world conquer my spirit. ME, myself and I are more than happy to write yet another chapter of my life in 2015. Happy new year and lets all embrace it with open arms. Its never too late to start afresh.

Part (2): Family and Friends

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DSCF0323We all make decisions, it is part of life, but with every decision its as if you enter a new phase of life and unfortunately not everyone is cut out to be part of that phase, be it friends or family. I learnt this the hard way. After all is said and done I believe I have made it quite clear to people that I just want the simpler things in life, to be one with nature and spread the goodness of peace and one love. So I have tried through 2014 to do just that and unfortunately  have lost some people because of that. Well its pretty simple if you are an obstruction to my cause, firstly I will try convince you, after exhausting this I will turn to extraction; there is only so much negativity one person can take. So because of these two easy steps I have lost much I thought I could not survive without. As a result my already small social circle shrunk quite a lot, not that I am complaining, but it would have been nice to get into 2015 with some friends. Another reason I let go of some people who I knew for a few years was their attitude to new experiences; FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN, that just rubs me up the wrong way. I mean we are young, what have we got to lose, we cannot change the world if we know nothing of it, if we stay ignorant of the good and bad how are we ever to improve it.

What I miss about Gweru are my little sisters ad nephew, I would have loved to be there to watch them grow, geez I know its just been over a year since I have seen them but they have grown up drastically. Like one minute we were fighting over whether to watch cartoon network or mnet series, now they uploading selfies on a daily basis, quoting Nicki Minaj songs and demanding the best in fashion. I miss the simpler things we seek in life ;cannot help but wonder the outcome had I stuck around. In the end we all have to find our true calling by ourselves, one way or the other. That’s just the tip of the iceberg; my brother Keith got married obviously yours truly missed the wedding, my grandmother is spending more time living with my mum(which I always wanted since I  was a kid) and last but not least my nephew is turning six next month.

And there are those few who survived the axe of change, our friendships have evolved, some are now like sisters and others just a distant memory to flirt around with when I get bored of the present and want to tango with the past a bit. One thing has remained constant; the rebel within me.

Wrapping up 2014 PART(1): Sibling Grammar

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2014-04-07 07.00.59So I here is how I am going to sum up my year, I am going to divide the year into three parts; sibling grammar, friends and family and lastly me, myself and I.

2014 started as a healing phase for my siblings and I, at least on my part. In the sense that I had not untill this year lived with my brother or sister for four years and counting. I was always in school and I only visited them once  year which barely compensated for the other eleven months. But thanks to this year I got to know the adult version of the looming figures I grew up worshipping as a kid.  I got to witness behind the scenes action of how my ambitious, success driven sister comes to make her dreams a reality with just God and her dreams as her ammunition. She has a meticulous way of planning ahead which means more secure fun times, but then again it also leaves a lot of room for disappointment. I have witnessed one of my super heroes fall and rise and I have had to deal with the fact that my sister is human after all despite what I have convinced myself  in the past. She has also had to make peace with my unconventional outlook on life and by now she is not entirely embarrassed by my dressing, the way I walk or the little things that fascinate me.

Then there is my older brother with a very mellow approach t life, which of course contradicts my sister’s views completely. Often I found myself with two sets of advice which barely complimented each other, due to the fact that my brother and sister are very much their own persons, with the common ground of having me as a little sister.  The only other thing we have in common is our will to survive despite the circumstances. Believe it or not through some very tough times in 2014 we found ourselves brushing problems off on account that we really have been through tougher times. Its never easy been raised by a single parent in an unforgiving economic situation. My brother always has the same advice to give me just in different words: IT’S ALL GOING TO BE FINE, ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. He has been an unexpected pillar of strength in a very unconventional way. We got a ‘bromance’ thing going on and fits into my life perfectly.

At the end of it all, as I leave for university in a couple of weeks, I have mastered it all, how to balance out my brother’s and sister’s advice and influence. As we part ways I am confident we will remain close and in spirit conquer it all together.

brain freeze

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I think because I am an emotional writer, when things get all bottled up and stuff, I get what I call a brain freeze. I mean its the end of the year, you look at your resolutions and you find that life did you a complete spin around. you are happy you survived, saddened by lost goals, choked up by little sentiments of knowing you not going home for a while, nostalgic about yet another Christmas you do not believe in and lastly a new year on the horizon leaving you anxious about a whole lot. Please bear with me as I am tongue tied by blurry intentions,working more and more shifts at work and trying to spend what little time I have left of the year between my blog, family and friends. Fear not, nothing can stop the poetry flowing, but just delay its delivery. HAPPY HOLIDAYS faithful readers.

OHM

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There’s a humming; buzzing stirred by my arrival

Lights deem, heads turn away as I glow amongst you

I walk through the crowd just to spite my shadow less figurine

And I am in love with the shame you try to hide

Because you said I would never make it

You bet your lives on it

Well here I am tonight

To collect all your souls as my token

I am going to wear them around my neck

Show it to the world

That I am undefeated, I don’t fall; I stumble

And don’t you forget it

That your flames burnt my flesh

And your eyes made of ice never shed a tear

As a snake sheds its skin

My rebirth was complete

Through your painful spites and spits

And I hold my torch up high

The only one you couldn’t dim

To get to my set pedestals

Accompanied by your whispered applaud

That I survived the banish

I have become so fearless

That the only thing I fear

Is the force I have become

I pray it will not come for you.

Under the veil

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20140417_175552 20140417_175708Never felt this young and reckless

Since I was young and wild

Temporarily forgot drops of misinformation can drown my existence

Completely void of consequences

I went on to distort the few memories

those unaffected by self induced selective amnesia

I let the foreigners impose on me

What us the visitors should be

That our bare backs is all we were

Struggling to make ends meet

Paid to be irrelevant

To be that quiet little mouse that serves your every need

Built homes, back home, on the ashes of misinformed enemies

As if that was not bad enough

Degraded further by misguided patriotism

That’s just the half of it

Unwittingly; unknowingly

I have betrayed those who raised me

By denying them in public

I come before thee seeking redemption and not forgiveness

For my unforgivable acts that have drenched me in pointless sweat, blood and tears

Poverty is not our culture:

Droplets of such beliefs will aid a river to flow in the right direction

Slowly good memories slip through cracks in the wall

My mother did warn me about crossing the boarder

Never did I fathom that I could lose my identity in it

I am proud to say hard work is part of my culture

And so much more beauty to being Zimbabwean than merely meets the eye.

Blah!Blah!Blah!

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IMG_20141014_105831I see you BLAH; you see me BLAH

I know you know I noticed you look at my derriere

Impressed BLAH; by the depressed BLAH

You finally gather your kahunas

Then your constant BLAH earns you a second encounter

Strictly come sexy

Invitation only

Extremely uncomfortable I pitched

Oldest trick in the book played:

“Tell me more about yourself”

I smile; you are captivated

KaChing! jackpot

I speak from the heart as always

You listen with all the wrong instruments

All you see are my lips moving

While ‘you know what’ hears BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!

Just finished the story about losing my father

You lick your lips; eyes dilated

Pretty sure you are past second base with me already

I usually just get a condolence

I say more BLAH; You zone out BLAH

Still curious about the man behind the inappropriate glances

Shallow references to possessions I care the least about

Sweep me off my feet to your place you planned

The jig is up

Gosh; the way you uplift my body with your eyes

If only you paid that much attention to the being inside

Hoping to separate the body and spirit

Trying your charm like fractional distillation

I am trying to add depth to your sight cave men

But then again BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!

My abrupt departure blah; you confused blah

Energy wasting explanations I do not have time for

Its in the knowing women handbook

Should have gotten it when you got your goods too

Guess you and the rest of the nincompoops out there did not get the memo

Then you will only hear more BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!

And even more walk aways.