The Peter Hurting

As anger soars through my every vein

As heartache renders me heartless

As pain squanders my memory savings

As hurt vaporises my joys

It rings too familiarly to Peter

To ruin me just as much as he did

He is the standard by which gentlemen can endanger ladies

 

Yours can never surpass the Peter bar

His was the first and last of such pain

His was the disillusionment of the shattering kind

His was the end of sweet nothings

His was the measurement that gave way to cruelty or rather clarity

 

Yours is child play compared to Peter

Your eyes do not stare at me with hatred

Your eyes do not banish me to be unworthy to exist

Your smile does not make me skip a beat

Your smile does not end my security

Your hands do not clench in my presence

Your hands do not threaten to end my existence

You but just caused a crack in my heart

Peter on the other hand, almost ripped it open

Be glad you are not remotely close to hurting me as much as Peter did

For I will not have to deal with you as I did with him

For I became a renegade from the principle of his presence

I made myself into a better person

I made him regret his child like actions

I made him beg and plead to be in my midst

I made him the man he never was.    

Colourful Days

So started the song of a thousand hymns

A journey of harbours, garages, hangars

The greatest of prohibitive tendencies shun to non-effectiveness

A hapless heart, a hopeless heart finding rhythm simultaneously

Prolonged special moments, times of acme

Forever saying goodbye twirled them into acapella

It was to part just the physical reality

Not the real, not the genuine strings attached

They were colourful days, the colour of love vividly visible

 

I can imagine how she felt

Being held so close yet they so faraway

I can imagine how he felt

Loved but not comforted

But when they did meet

For those long awaited few days

Black and white became bright yellow baby blue

I can imagine they had colourful days

 

I do wonder how she survived

Her present, his past, their future

I am curious to know how he let go

All those difficult times

She loved him, healed him

Despite having dark grey days

They could look to the future; together

In search of those colourful days

 

I too felt her pain

Having to let go her piece of heaven

A lot of nights where she hoped to never wake up

A lot of days she wished were a nightmare

But when she looked into their eyes she had strength

Strength to fight and help them have colourful days.    

Room 13’s Lesson

It is true; you do feel it before it happens

It comes as a gut feeling in your stomach

But you shun it away in fear of paranoia

And it persists on your conscience

Then you it off in the hope it is just a feeling

Unfortunately in a few minutes you find you are right

His hands pull you back and you try to scream

You are then choked by the hands, by your fear

You cry pleading for mercy

Simultaneously fighting for your life

You wish one of your loved ones

Passing right in front of your eyes

Would wake you up from this nightmare

You persist on the fight, he gets more frustrated

He punches your face in

But you still do not feel the pain

Because you know the worst part is coming

You cross your legs

Squeeze your eyes shut

You pray harder than you ever have

He reaps away your blouse and smiles

You stare at him in horror as you cannot understand

How your own countryman would defile you like this

You start to wonder where the love is in this world

If home is no longer your safe haven

You realise gone are the days

When women were the prize jewel of any country

You cry even harder; not because of the pain

But that all of your tears do not soften his heart

It beats melted to stone

An d even as he violently robs you of your womanhood

You feel more sorry for him than yourself

For a man with no heart surely does not know love

And this monster of barbaric ways never deserved it

And as you slowly lose consciousness

You feel you have lost the fight

You feel its better you die

Than to live life after this downfall

What you do not know, understand is

You will fight and you will survive

And nurse the child born of such tragedy

To love a woman more than himself

To never forget a woman’s worth

To cherish a woman

For she will always hold his heart in place

Keep the house in check

And the country in its highest esteem

And as a woman, you will grow to love yourself more. 

  

 

 

Nembudziya kinda loving

As I sit under the Mutondo tree

Awaiting your arrival

I get anxious, get a bit of goose bumps

My heart is hastened into calm

You always there when you say you will

I feel you close, nothing to worry

The African sun dried the red roses you meant to give me

Poverty left the watch in the shop display

The one meant for your birthday

You sneaked up behind me

Your grubby fingers notched across my eyes

I was not startled a bit

Your natural scent of sweat and much interaction with the motherland

settled my nerves, to simmer the fright inside

I turn around to embrace you

I inhale the toxic smell

I close my eyes

Squeeze them tight

In your blessed assurance, I do not want to let go

I know this is where I belong

You caress my sun-baked skin with your scaled hands

I look down to my jagged edged toe nails

My bony hand runs through my ginger hair

Stylish in the west

Poverty in the south

Evidence of lack of utensils

You speak of my dress

I dare not say compliment

For it was once yellow, now it has patches of all colours

But you still see past all that

You are that warrior for me

We walk in the light

That supposedly gives headaches elsewhere

We stop in the shade

To let our dry, cracked lips meet

To let the dry breeze revitalise us beings

We are young and in love

Amateurs in an art of intrinsic strong affection

Now as the sun sets beyond the horizon

The tall dry grass no longer swerves

We have to part again

Tomorrow we will commence with this forbidden art

Which tastes so bitter so sweet

With half our legs clustered with red dirt

I turn to take my leave

I let your hand go and feel my heart stuck motionless with you

Lost in the memories we made

One day I will be old enough to make our great escape

To just love as that is all we have

To live our African dream through our Nembudziya kind of loving.   

 

In My Enesty State Of Mind (part2)

This is how you chose to say goodbye

No beat, no song, just my acapella heart of sojourn

And there is what you told me today

With more of  your actions and less of your words

That the boy I befriended is gone away

If its to the sea, I will buy a ship

If its home, then here is a road trip

And if he is dead then allow me a world in the spirit world

To say goodbye to my rock abruptly softened

I’ll lie, I’ll die if I deny goodbye means exactly what it means

Even though I see you everyday

I just smile and indulge in a conversation or two

Which always kills any hope of a fire

I look at you and see a man

But when I search further I find traces of the boy who was once naïve enough to love me

The boy who forgave not this man of redundancy

I am not broken just fractured

A chip of my ego peeled off

As I realise the boy moved on a long time ago

I have just been holding on to his holograph

I have been dinning with his reflection

If I cannot have it real, then, deny me the pleasure completely

I will not play the blame game because the players are vindictive

I hold back tears on the brink of forming a waterfall

I sit on a time bomb of anger that could be the end of me

so as you leave, please move out quietly

I need to concentrate on this balance, held of fragility

Switch off the light

The darkness will only give me strength

To relight my life and not owe it to anyone

You have taken everything except my potential

Yours sincerely, formerly yours. 

 

 

 

Goodbye(RIP Daddy Jan1957-July12 2003)

On shattered nights I crumple in my blankets

Shivering in my warmth, Shaking in my steadiness

Tears make a musical tone as every drop drops a long height, shaping my pain

If I had been there when you took your last breathe

If I had been there when your life flashed in front of your eyes

I would have held your hand and told you its alright

Honestly I would have given you a risen to fight on

I saw in you a world I could escape to, my safe haven

A world as if sanctified by innocence

I could indulge in your companionship forever and a day

Now I would appreciate it just one more day

Saddened by the sudden arrival of declivity

I start to cherish wise words I cannot keep on hearing

Again a picture is drawn of my tears shaping my pain

As those eyes lost life I cannot help but hold on to memory 

A stare was more than a look but a conversation

And your eyes, yes those I inherited

They were a door way to your soul, heart and spirit

That’s how transparent you were, that’s how transparent life should be

Your eyes filled the room with a feeling of belongingness

As they lost their spirit I lost my home

I had no warning, I have no shelter

I have no you and I, then I have no joy

That’s the reality I have to face when I came out of hiding in memory lane

The stars dim, the sun darkens

As well withers in my life pathways

I must embrace the gift of life

I haven’t found the strength yet but I know you installed it in me

The strength to go on and find my own escape

This is my goodbye, I shed a tear again

 

My Apparent Misguided Gratitude

I am justified in saying what it is I saw

Which was the simple truth

He had been troubled for as long as I knew him

And that was long enough

He moved from concubine to concubine

Not because he was that irresistible

But simply because he was too broken to face reality

To mend himself and be upright that is to be upstanding

He never spent much time at home

Not as much as he did the last days

I am sure we all reminded him

Of how he was wasting his life away

Sure he took good care of us

A watch for my birthday; a new car for mother dearest

But he could never buy away our concern

We just wanted him to be happy

Because when the Viagra wore off, and the beer excreted

I could see the sadness in his eyes

Much was it that it brought a tear to my eye

He would just spend a day at home

And say he could not stand our slow pace life

He missed the bright city lights

The same ones that darkened his soul

And then the prodigal son and brother came back home

The city he loved had chewed him out

Limping and hardly alive and I knew he was not going back

Mukondombera took his flesh and brain cells

But on that death I saw a new man reborn

I saw him become the great man he was truly  meant to be

I saw him become the brother I needed

I saw him off on the day of his departure

He smiled to me with what little strength he had left

And I smiled back in approval of what he had become

And I am glad mukondombera came to save my brother’s soul

From the evil world

Which robbed his spirit

I am grateful I got the chance

To witness my brother finally become a true son of the soil

And remember where home was

Even though it took mukondombera to settle him down

And mend his broken dignity.

 

 

 

Broken Reality

I see a part of her die everyday

And that is why I stay away from home

Because its walls of safety are disintegrating along with her disappearance

She still hides it from me

With layers of make up

And award winning performances when in pain

I asked of her the same I did a year ago

But to her I am demanding more than she can give today

That’s more evidence as I plead my case

Sometimes I flare away from reality

and go along with the act

But the more she hides it, the further it defiles my memories of her

Or rather I still live in the past

Where she conquered the world with her brave face

And electrifying smile

I am not quick to accept that it is slowly dispersing

I then embark on a mission to molest the child in me

With multiple tattoos and countless piercings

With the boys nights out that could break her heart

At least what is left of it

Just so I can grow up faster

So she can witness it first hand

And not die with the anticipation

I wish I were better, She deserves better

For she was every woman in one

And now one in every woman is following her boulevard

She was more than the woman I needed

As I pack my bags for a journey of a few months

Thoughts of her are what back track in my mind

I indignantly continue paying no attention

she has lost her reason to fight on, a reason to plead with me

If only she knew I do this for her

Because I want to preserve her memory

I desperately want to live in that alternate reality

Where she is still my reason to live

I have to live in that world

For what am I without her

Not just her but her wisdom

Not just her embrace but her love

And so when the day comes when her body finally catches on

To the fact that her fiery soul died years ago

I know I will not shed a tear

Before you judge me understand this:

As you enjoyed the worldly pastures

I watched her die everyday for years

So that to me will be her long awaited rest

For now she manoeuvres silently between the living and the dead

I will continue my travels and be judged

For the pain I face is mine alone