He goes back home my hero


IMG-20140611-WA0001He goes back home a decorated hero
Fought the wars of a world that rejected him
Only to triumph over the salted pillars of prejudice
He goes back home their hero
They will sing songs of praise
Lyrical lies about their support included
With their backs to him
And he is only but a man
Hopefully I am wrong again
And he will surprise me by being a man and a half
I cannot remember to forget him
We have tried out the routine; the genre is for another song
I could only tap dance to the dub step for so long
So I embraced the imperfect love fit for me
I am not giving up I am giving in
Just as I let my guard down
He tells me he is going back home
For a couple of weeks he says, famous last words
He goes back home a celebrated hero
To dine and wine with the vultures
The same who would have fed off his failure
I just pray he wont remember to forget me
One of the very few who embrace the thorny rose he is
I look at the scars now and I am reassured it was worth it
Travel safe, make memories to share with
I choose to believe he goes back home my one and only hero.


When I was 18 and he was 20



when I was 18 and he was 20

we finished high school and pondered a bit

I started dreaming a little, he started partying

I planned ahead, he got rid of his hangover

I started packing, he sobered up

I booked my ticket, he sold his smartphone

when he was 20 and I 18

he broke bread with several girls, I read a book

he drank to sleep, I worked to sleep

he played his music, I put on my headphones

he was awed by life, I was bored to death

when I was 18 and he 20

I shoved his clothes into a bag, he sweet talked his mother into calm

I packed our passports, he got nervous

I chose the bus, he called his mother

I held his hand, he held mine too

I whispered a truth to him

that the unknown could either make us or break us

either way it was better than wasting away at home

and that is how we started living once again

when we took the future into our own hands

a leap of faith, a step towards individualism.

#Marcels Tuesday



I will bet my last PnP coupon that most of those who I have encountered back home are under the impression that every weekend I go AWOL, wear super revealing clothes and I have been intimate with more than ten men in the past 6 months. First and foremost my dating habits are off the table, secondly I am home  most weekends. In actual fact I prefer hanging out with X-files repeats in my Onesie to partying up all night, I just give off that impression: UNINTETIONALLY. The truth is I make the most of my minimum wage; carry a packed lunch almost every working day and the most of what I make is put into my savings account. I also partake in promotional eating, i.e food tasters and specials. The one special that has been most significant is the Tuesday Marcel’s special where they offer two medium tubs for the price of one: JACKPOT. My friend Sharne and I have made this into our special thing, why?

Well we work together, get paid roughly the same amount and we are the youngest in the company. We dress up, take selfies and document them. On top of that we then walk around the mall with our awesome frozen yoghurt(I have to admit ) and share our hopes, dreams and jokes. Truth be told, it is the only thing I look forward to in a week. It represents so much yet we do so little. I am happy to be 18 years old and  be able to live life goofy though I have been through a lot. Morale: In my growing up I think it important that I remember to savour the dying moments of my childhood, and only eat frozen yoghurt on special Tuesday.

Jailed For The Wrong Love Bird



to be accused of love you don’t believe in

to be caused agony you aren’t worthy of

to be sentenced for time with no limit 

to not know who knows what and who believes the content of what

is to be jailed for the wrong love bird


News travels faster than feathers in the free wind

Yearning for a clean state, a new history to think of

Acquittal is all I could pray for

Stoned to death by words that leave my body soulless

Harmony of a quick escape reaches my ears

Accepting defeat so early is not of my nature 

neither is being jailed for the wrong love bird my cup of tea


Ancient remedies cease to exit 

Nebulosity state of mind

Daring to be different is daring death


Cosy  state of mind missed

Aspiring for a better world to be tedious

Trenches in my heart dug too deep to heal

Hatred I pray to go away

Yearning for a love i approve of

i’m departing, floating, I don’t approve of such thoughts

let me rest my weary head as the jail cells close me within. 



Suitcase of thoughts



Okay where to begin? Hmm or do you mean WHEN to begin? I’m confusing myself again, always happens every time i want to blog something because my sister reminds me constantly how anything put on the internet is permanent,well i honestly do not care, if prospective employers are going to persecute me about what I said when I was an 18 year old, i do not mind because i am a very honest 18 year old and I do not mind sharing my thoughts and experiences because it is my story to tell. Darn I did it again, derailed from the real reason I find myself up at 1 am blogging,TJVO, I love my sleep, we are in a complicated relationship right now, I want her but she is too busy with everyone else. Well I am siting here to remind myself that everyday I wake up and fight for my survival I emerge a rebel more, its not just a title so I can be cool,its a name that i have earned and use as my motivation to survive when the naturally different are being oppressed. WHEN??? You mean when did it all begin for me. Well i think my mother can answer that best, nah not really she always says i was an ordinary kid,still am. On the other hand I remember the fifth grade, in Mrs Mafaune’s class, speech and price giving time was at hand and hat meant plays and all that, I decided i was going to write the play instead of the usual routine where teachers dictate a play to us. The usual topics bored me so I went with child abuse, apparently it was too deep so my teacher edited it, by that i mean she scratched out 5 pages worth of writing. There,,,does that answer your question,I just rolled down that path afterwards. I do not feel the need to explain my life history in one short story, its too cool for that. Why i really sit here is a simple question of misdirection and a common misconception of a rebel. I have lost my direction again. Stop asking me when, its not just a simple question of me waking up and saying “oh wait,i do not know where my life is headed” It only came to light after many sleepless nights and a sudden realization that I just simply forget how to be happy, genuinely happy.’ Reasons for my unhappiness’. You have to be joking,they seem endless. Actually come to think of it i should be happy, I have a paying job, a roof,family(part of it), friends(i mean 1 or 2). and I pray(once in a while).Argggg, okay fine, I am sitting here wide awake when I should be resting my sweet self because somewhere down the line i lost the plot, I do not want to be 38 and only realizing it then, that i had dreams and hopes once, of studying Geology and travelling the world. I am young still, and i still do not know to go about this, lets just say things haven’t  worked out as planned since last year. Funny thing is you find me at work slaving away and smiling all the time, no i have not given up, at least my body and subconscious have not caught on to my restlessness. The other day i resorted to asking my sister why i have not drowned my sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels yet, she said it is because a part of me hasn’t forgotten my past struggles and the amount of sacrifice I put into actually sitting here affording to blog and still sleepless, hey there is some direction in that right? Hello, part of me,Hello? Great, always goes quiet when I actually need me. Okay fine I am putting back the bottle of Vodka. Somethings got to give hey, someone’s got to be there, somewhere. This is how I remind myself of who I really am.  . 

The Braided Girl



I have been burying the guilt of the untold story

Because I am the only one who knows the story behind the braids

Somewhere through the need to prove myself

I forgot about my beauty and brains

Stories my mother told me seem like fairy tales now

A double faced coin which in tells lies my mother told me instead

Of how diligence, loyalty and honest hard work pay off

Here I am willing to let that be the morale of the story I wish to end

Somehow whilst trying out perfection; I forgot my confidence and high self-esteem in the changing room

I realised half way out to the parade that I was the joke not the main attraction

It then dawned on me that my mind is my cancer

With its thoughts of a better life

Some way half way down the road to clarity hence serenity

I lost my northings and still took no heed to his directions

He said we aren’t getting any younger lets go to school and become respectable

But I lied to myself into thinking life had a bigger plan for me

That’s how I forgot my self worth and dignity

Because the skinny love I had for myself could not survive the harsh realities of the big world

Now everything’s shredded away to the bone

I plan to sit down just me and my braids

To comfort this little girl in a big world

Who has a toothache and cannot afford to smile

With just her identity card

We have to find the things she lot before the scavengers smell our fresh wounds

For we are a dying out fourth kind

And somewhere in the ashes are the answers we seek

For we are blind to the future

Despair is acidic like that

So me and I found a cave of braids to hide in

We will resurface when we have a greater love for us and the future.   

Realities I lay with intimately


I met Don as I was slaving away to salvage what was left of my dignity. I ran away from home because everyone was better, everyone was right. Three months later that’s when I saw him, I still do not know what his eyes look like, always swaging it up in his original Ray Bans. Mighty fine he looked, mighty small I felt, He gave off that intimidating smell, the odour of R2000 kind of cologne, wow that’s impressive, wow I was such a child. Taken in by such big little things. Towering Don invited me to his birthday party, flattered I was, as a hostess for a quarter of the price of his cologne; not too bad for a girl salvaging a stolen dignity. Hostess I was at that party, ran my feet off, worth the money it was. I brought in drink after drink for his well looked after entourage. I saw the looks those women gave me; like the help they had left back home in Dunoon. Well that night I was and I just told myself I wont be this in a couple of years, problem is surviving the humiliation. I  am going to drive past them in a couple of years in the next version of the BMW their sugar-daddy’s chauffer them in now.

But that is not what life is about, but that’s the line of thought I have been stuck with since encountering Don. After the party he asked for my number so we could “hang out”, NAWAWO!!!! Hang out???? I don’t hang out with people I just met, every night after work I look forward to watching re-runs of X-Files with my sister because we cool like that. Give him I did,but but , I inevitably compared myself to the ladies I had been serving. Oh my word, yes I hate makeup, I don’t own a pair of heels and which shops sell True religion jeans. Yes just like back home I did not have straight As, not once did I go home with more than 7 points, I wasn’t a prominent member of the church choir, good Lord I did not have ant college application approved of, so basically I had nothing, So there I was in Don’s sights and feeling smaller than anything . Call me he did, wanted to meet up. So I got prepared, bought me the best of  what half of my savings could cover me up with. Mighty fine I felt, the first time in years, almost didn’t know the feeling creeping up was happiness, joy. There I waited for his phone call that never came and the one time experience I never had. So I went to bed that night feeling worse than ever, with just my morals to keep me warm and try make me happy. So much for the dignified Rebel.  



I have established that I am sorry

But the debate goes on within as to why I am sorry

I think I am sorry because I wronged you

I know I am sorry for simply not being strong enough to see that you know that you are no good for me

I am sorry that I still confide in you in the hope you will finally care

I am sorry for:

persisting on lost hope,

holding onto your every word,

praying for a kiss,

believing in the kiss we shared,

reading too much into you taking my hand,

losing focus in your eyes,

and for every night I dream of laying in your arms

I’m sorry I let my friends feed me with the illusion of you loving me

I’m sorry I do not think I am beautiful enough for you

I’m sorry about hiding behind artificial makings

I’m sorry I think you disapprove of who I am

I am sorry for trying to be the perfect girl for you

I am sorry I cherish the picture of the two of us

I am sorry I safeguard your legacy in your absence

I am sorry about saving up for your birthday when I know you do not remember mine

I am sorry I long to be with you as soon as you let go

I am sorry I am waiting to be identified as yours to feel whole

I am sorry for becoming devoted to an egocentric man

I am sorry I do not feel confident around you

I am sorry I will never forget you when I know you will

I am sorry I am that girl who fell for you

I am sorry for breaking the promise I made, about not writing about you

I am sorry I will never stop apologising.

Nigel to be missed


I do not know what it is i will miss

I am not sure why it is i will miss you

But I think I will

Regardless of whether or not you will

Taking no account of who you are

But I feel I will miss you

Despite us not having anything concrete

We can of course play the blame game 

Unfortunately time is of the essence

Let us just say what defines us

Acquaintances, friends or more 

Whatever we are I will dearly miss you 

There is this uncanny wave about your eyes 

A mystery I would have loved to unravel 

Almost as much as I hope to understand 

“You and I” the very idea perplexes me

In spite of all the obscurity that surrounds us, I will miss you

You cant give me what i want and you don’t need what i have to offer

I can give you what you want and you can give me what I desperately need

We can never be on the same side of a coin

Why even entertain such theories

Like letters from a lover to a beloved

When the time to part is at hand

When goodbye is what is rational to say

My last words can only be:

This is hello to endless possibilities

Where you can really show I am special

Just ‘special’, i will miss the simplicity of your voluminous words

They could not be just words or you are damned

For once I will not hide behind walls of threat

And simply write

I will heartlessly miss you

As my heart will journey with you.Image 

Liberating Realisations


I am not a diary, particularly your diary

My sole mission is not to keep a daily record of your life events

Neither is it to note your future plans

You have sluggishly, clandestinely reduced my worth to simple pages

Slowly over time you have anaesthetized my soul

Helped me forget I am more than your daily reminder

The strength within me has awoken my soul in slumber

For there is more to me than what you have mechanised me to be

For a girl always has her inner strength


The soul slowly regains momentum

The heart beats past the spider webs

It hammers to give vitality again

I not aware of it’s existence, You not willing to spare it

It pounds away what it once was

A resting place for all your skulduggery

So much of your pain  laid to rest

A ticking time bomb I would have become

If you had not choked its last surviving vein

With all your games it was subdued to

It still buffeted past the pain

After so long I finally hear my own heart beat

I no longer just look after yours

A lady always has her inner strength


My heartbeat fuelled by the soul fires up my spirit

Yes it did live on after you killed off everything else

But its core business was to serve you

It live don for you and only you

To make sure you were never lonely

To ensure you never discovered strain

To make happiness insurmountable

But now it has its own soul and heart beat

Its sole purpose is to rediscover the liveliness that once blossomed in my spirits garden

For I must break free from your bondage

And be who I genuinely should be

I can only love the world

When I learn to love myself

You once deprived me of this

As always a woman has her inner strength


My mind has always been prone to propagandists

I am now better protected from your propaganda

That which made me believe I was less than I am

You should have impelled my devotion to a greater cause

Than just simply you, a selfish cause

My mind has always been capable

But you would not hear of it, all you wanted was a servant;

Not a queen to build a nation

Not an orator to fight a popular notion

Well my mind is now emancipated

With the help of my soul, heart and spirit

My mind can finally drive and not be driven

I can finally live out my dream


My body is not a simple vessel

Neither is it a concubine

it is the perfect courier for my divine being

I am there when you need a friend not a diary

I am here if you need a partner not a servant

I will be available when you can finally see through me.Image