#dedicatedQuote

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DSC_0286~2 (2)It’s not that I didn’t love you,

we just didn’t speak the same language,

I found myself alone; lost in translation,

though you will always be the one person I want to sing Bob Marley’s “IS THIS LOVE” with.

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Dear Mr too-busy-to- feel

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I was the only one she trusted with this message to you. She told me the essentials so do not worry too much about your reputation. Sorry for being so harsh from time to time but I cant help myself, I loved her and she loved you. I could still see it in her eyes as she lay next to the empty pill bottle; lifeless. I wish she were stronger than what she let define her, honestly look at you: degree in the making, good family, good money, good heart. Just wasn’t meant for her I guess, but why say you love her, but not listen to her ache and pains. She tried so hard to understand but we both know you could have tried harder. I still don’t understand why she said I should tell you about her pain in my own words.You were the reason she felt it was okay for her to be herself, because she found love in her weirdness. You were the heartbeat of her being, the muse behind her art. Then it was pretty roses and prolonged sunsets, you just had to go and ruin it. Why Mr, why? She emailed me the conversations you had, the one heart-sided conversations always replied by the usual busy tone, why not explain it why it was happening, like school was getting hectic and stuff, she just was not going to assume, you owed her that much. Excuse my crudeness, I am grief stricken. Why, because i had to bury myself yesterday, I had to watch them pile shovels of sand over and over again, like seriously, why? I just think you could have said more of the less you felt. She would have taken it better than the silent lies. To be honest I feel that you did hand her the rope she hung herself with.

I have a lot on my mind but i do not have a “civil” way of saying.

I hope you learn a bit more honesty for the next Mrs too-busy-to-feel. 

Mucking Equations

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when love causes discomfort

and all you have are the wounds 

that isn’t much to go on

to be the hope for a HAPPY future

that isn’t much to hold on to 

to be the reason you aren’t lonely but alone

its not enough to love me

when that only means we wrestle in possibilities

i’m a fool to want tangible proof; but this is the fool you love 

we are like two distant puddles hoping a river will help us flow as one again

that is before the baking sun dries us up

or the wind vaporizes us 

i’m not giving up just giving n; to my inexperienced advice

that all i want is you; but i don’t see the sun rising on that aspect

i’m too young to be waiting, but here i find myself

i contradict myself these days

i hate the idea of love and commitments 

yet i’m in love with the commitment we are yet to share

i see the statues bleeding out tears out for me

no greater sympathy has befallen me 

i’m not giving up just giving in to my chaotic strategies

i am putting you in a box and shoving you in a shelf

inside the wardrobe behind the locked bolted titanium door

its better there than out of mind and out of sight

i will grab the keys when i’m ready

to either say goodbye and set you free

OR when you finally in sight; hence in my heart again. 

Barefoot days

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Now that you have mentioned it, I liked it better when all we were was tall, dark and skinny. When we all had browning short hair and Vaseline chiselled faces. We ran barefoot across wet and dry plains, laughing endlessly; running pointlessly. As I lay on the sand and the waves sway  my mind to calm thoughts, its simpler times I succumb to. You remember don’t you?  When riding bicycles was an upgrade; from walking home  to and fro school, I never could remember to pack my raincoat, hence I packed away my school shoes and books in a plastic bag and put it in my bag and walked home barefoot. The shivers of cold icey rain still linger down my spine till this day. I open my eyes; to let the sunshine brighten my that memory somehow. Yes there we go; simplicity in its prime when school was all about getting a couple of stars for patterns you drew effortlessly. When friendship was just a matter of being whoever was in the vicinity, whenever you had a fun idea of how to spend a free afternoon; when all that mattered was if you were done with your chores.

I know you want me to come back, especially now that simplicity has lost its allure to the world. I will come back if you can promise me this: that you will call me from your landline and ask my mother’s permission to come over. When I do get there we will clap hands, sing, dance and most importantly endlessly laugh. That we will hold hands and run across the veld again barefoot. And that when we lay on the green grass to take a breather, nothing will be more important than that moment . Then we will take a ride along the river towards the sunset and share stories of  our time apart as the rays marvel on the river’s reflection. When we get back, your mum will scold us for coming back so dirty and run a bath for us. Can you promise me that the veld still stands, not destroyed by some selfish cause or that the river still runs clean and fresh. If you can then there is a fighting chance I will visit you soon, just to feel alive again. I open my eyes again; I am alive but its not the same as the barefoot days.

See you in my nightmares

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IMG_0194Empty pill bottle
Next to my bed
Is my first sight after the dream
Doc I need a refill; but you are fading from memory
For a while I lay there
Paralysed by the sadness, after effect of the happiness in my nightmares
Used them like morning coffee
No morning cheer up, no reason to go out and about
The smell of you is quickly losing strength, fading into the air
Loving me is not enough
This morning fog makes that clear
Holding me is not enough; that much I know now
Thinking as if that’s an option, neither is now
So I sleep a bit longer, fall into the nightmare
Because that’s the only place you are now
Fading faster than ever
I need the these nightmares more and more each day
I am numb with joy with you then
There is no contact, there are no love words rephrased in person then
We just lay there next to each other, looking deep into each other’s soul
Your body is fading fast, its your eyes I still hold onto
I open my eyes again
Empty pill bottle stares back, won’t tilt half full
Won’t stop, can’t stop the nightmares
Because that’s where you are for now
Sad part come after that realisation
Darkens the fairy-tale into nightmares
See you tonight.

9-13

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Photo0212I made a resolution today, to leave this chain of thoughts that glorifies you into a saint you are not. I had the stones to leave, to abandon ship, so from now on I will ignore your very apparent existence. I also had the stones to admit to myself, a little truth that hurts, that I miss you. I miss the person you are when we are alone, if that makes you a player then you are guilty as charged. I miss the one month out of four that you call me almost everyday just to check up on me, and always ending every phone call by telling me you miss me. How you got so angry, or maybe acted angry at my every departure, yeah you almost changed my mind every time. I miss how you looked at me with dreamy eyes that engulfed every inch of me with the exception of my flaws. I miss you holding me close and how sometimes we did mot have to talk but nudge your fingers with mine as a symbol of understating, that you understood me, the one thing I searched for. I honestly miss you hugging me. It was powerful and inviting , like open gates to a world where I could be anything, even loved…..
Sure we kissed here and there but what I miss the most is when you took my hand every time we crossed a road. It was as if you just thought me too precious to be harmed, that alone aroused a priceless feeling. I miss that alternative you that I do not see in you right now. I guess you left him packed away along with your ability to express your feelings to me anymore, I really need access to that bag, before I pack mine too.

Thank You Julie

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Photo0170Having the ability to speak or sing
Is not about the ability itself but having the heart to
As you have graciously shown us
And we thank you
Having the voice and not much confidence
Is just as useless as not to sing
And with your leadership we are all on another level
Believing our unique voices do contribute
And here is a sincere expression of gratitude
For when the soul sings
The heart is mended
The body ignited
And the spirit set free of its wearies
Its a cocoon we wish would last forever
Because it just seems to be a little piece of heaven
Where we can truly lose ourselves in the power of the song
And the power of the one we sing for
It is a safe zone from our tribulations, insecurities and endless battering
We are truly grateful to you for showing us
The gateway to our small safe havens
Is through the choruses
That the invisible become visible
The unaccepted are accepted
The unlovable feel loved by the almighty
The downtrodden are set free
Introverts become extroverts
Tomboys be tomboys
And the lost find their way home
Thank you for showing us the pathway through song
Thank you for believing in us
Thank you for just being there
On behalf of all who sing with their hearts.

Tanana to Tanatswa

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IMG_0304
Can’t believe just yesterday she couldn’t pronounce her name
Or remember me
She just had am umbrella term for every tall, dark teenage girl that came her way
Then when she finally did catch onto the difference amongst us all
Only then did she begin to warm up to me
Half naked most of the time
Overcome with excitement running and tumbling over to greet me
Filled with too much innocence to care
Tanana is all she called herself
Then when she finally did learn her name
It was as if science had discovered a permanent cure for cancer
Because just yesterday the only sound she could make was a giggle
And she was just so proud of herself
She wore the label vigilantly
And she said it proudly to anyone who cared to listen
When I did have the time I would listen
Intently and get lost in the sparkle of her words
Then she got to construct a few more sentences
She would say the brightest of things
Even though I was still stuck on her mispronouncing my name
Then she spent less time at home and more trying to grow up as fast as possible
To me she grew more beautiful by the day
And her smile more healing, more assuring
There I was driven to protect her from the evil world
Which could easily rip away that smile
But her spirit is too big to cage
So I let her brighten the world also
Every departure made with a silent prayer
And now she starts to see the flaws I do not
She no longer answers to Tanana
Its too juvenile for this big girl
And she blushes every time I mention her old ways
Especially amongst future in-laws
What she does not understand is
As she walks around the place
Chit chatting making conversation
With a confident steady stride
As she shows remarkable responsibility
I still see Tanana tumble across the room in her dippers
In a bid to embrace me
Sparkling eyes brighter than ever
Without a care in the world
As pure as they come
I blink again and to my amazement,
Tanana is now Tanatswa.

I am yours

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20140702_183532~2And my life’s symphony goes on
Because that’s the only thing I can do
An art I have had to master
Airborne love invades my body
Slipping past the cage, bolted safe and brick wall, without breaking a sweat
It is yours to command
I am yours to divulge
And my concert still gets fans
I have packed my subconscious so go on; invade
Feel my veins darken as your essence gets to my mind, my soul, my everything
It is yours to obliterate
I am yours to have
And my strings remain attached
I have been taken over by your power of seduction
Black becomes grey, red to orange
Our eyes become one
I take you in as you take me in
We are ours to hold dear
We are whatever is
And my music will live on
Way past our entwined love and bodies
Skin to bone, rocks to sand
Fire to smoke, songs to records
We can lay in our despair
But still we have had something that will last forever
It is your song to take
My words to write
And our love to play.

15 000 tears

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DSC_0286~2
I let you blind fold my eyes with empty promises
You then took my hand and led me with the belief you would not give it back
That impelled me to follow you into the forbidden forest
And showed me blissful wonders
Can only be achieved by the two of us
No song; just our heartbeats
No food; just our lips
No cloth; just our bodies
You admonished that I wait just one minute
Whilst you scout for our next contingency
And I sat there cuddled in anticipation of your return
Days, hours, weeks, seconds remained unknown to me
The only time measurement had were the 15000 tears I know I cried
The presumption cloud passed
And I finally convened my courage to remove the blinds
To face the reality of a time I will never have again
I stumbled, I fell, I rose, I crawled, I ran
For there were numerous ghosts of a past life haunting me
But all of these lacerations are memories of us cut skin deep
I barely made it out and I still hear the shadows’ taunts
Locked up in a time I will never have again
There I found you, seasons passed t the forest fringe
Handing your mind, body and soul on a silver platter
Seemed a worthy prize for my struggles
I take your hand, because I want it to be like it was, I need it for my sanity
But before we go back into the woods
Did you cry 15000 tears when you lost me?