See you in my nightmares

IMG_0194Empty pill bottle
Next to my bed
Is my first sight after the dream
Doc I need a refill; but you are fading from memory
For a while I lay there
Paralysed by the sadness, after effect of the happiness in my nightmares
Used them like morning coffee
No morning cheer up, no reason to go out and about
The smell of you is quickly losing strength, fading into the air
Loving me is not enough
This morning fog makes that clear
Holding me is not enough; that much I know now
Thinking as if that’s an option, neither is now
So I sleep a bit longer, fall into the nightmare
Because that’s the only place you are now
Fading faster than ever
I need the these nightmares more and more each day
I am numb with joy with you then
There is no contact, there are no love words rephrased in person then
We just lay there next to each other, looking deep into each other’s soul
Your body is fading fast, its your eyes I still hold onto
I open my eyes again
Empty pill bottle stares back, won’t tilt half full
Won’t stop, can’t stop the nightmares
Because that’s where you are for now
Sad part come after that realisation
Darkens the fairy-tale into nightmares
See you tonight.

9-13

Photo0212I made a resolution today, to leave this chain of thoughts that glorifies you into a saint you are not. I had the stones to leave, to abandon ship, so from now on I will ignore your very apparent existence. I also had the stones to admit to myself, a little truth that hurts, that I miss you. I miss the person you are when we are alone, if that makes you a player then you are guilty as charged. I miss the one month out of four that you call me almost everyday just to check up on me, and always ending every phone call by telling me you miss me. How you got so angry, or maybe acted angry at my every departure, yeah you almost changed my mind every time. I miss how you looked at me with dreamy eyes that engulfed every inch of me with the exception of my flaws. I miss you holding me close and how sometimes we did mot have to talk but nudge your fingers with mine as a symbol of understating, that you understood me, the one thing I searched for. I honestly miss you hugging me. It was powerful and inviting , like open gates to a world where I could be anything, even loved…..
Sure we kissed here and there but what I miss the most is when you took my hand every time we crossed a road. It was as if you just thought me too precious to be harmed, that alone aroused a priceless feeling. I miss that alternative you that I do not see in you right now. I guess you left him packed away along with your ability to express your feelings to me anymore, I really need access to that bag, before I pack mine too.

Thank You Julie

Photo0170Having the ability to speak or sing
Is not about the ability itself but having the heart to
As you have graciously shown us
And we thank you
Having the voice and not much confidence
Is just as useless as not to sing
And with your leadership we are all on another level
Believing our unique voices do contribute
And here is a sincere expression of gratitude
For when the soul sings
The heart is mended
The body ignited
And the spirit set free of its wearies
Its a cocoon we wish would last forever
Because it just seems to be a little piece of heaven
Where we can truly lose ourselves in the power of the song
And the power of the one we sing for
It is a safe zone from our tribulations, insecurities and endless battering
We are truly grateful to you for showing us
The gateway to our small safe havens
Is through the choruses
That the invisible become visible
The unaccepted are accepted
The unlovable feel loved by the almighty
The downtrodden are set free
Introverts become extroverts
Tomboys be tomboys
And the lost find their way home
Thank you for showing us the pathway through song
Thank you for believing in us
Thank you for just being there
On behalf of all who sing with their hearts.

Tanana to Tanatswa

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Can’t believe just yesterday she couldn’t pronounce her name
Or remember me
She just had am umbrella term for every tall, dark teenage girl that came her way
Then when she finally did catch onto the difference amongst us all
Only then did she begin to warm up to me
Half naked most of the time
Overcome with excitement running and tumbling over to greet me
Filled with too much innocence to care
Tanana is all she called herself
Then when she finally did learn her name
It was as if science had discovered a permanent cure for cancer
Because just yesterday the only sound she could make was a giggle
And she was just so proud of herself
She wore the label vigilantly
And she said it proudly to anyone who cared to listen
When I did have the time I would listen
Intently and get lost in the sparkle of her words
Then she got to construct a few more sentences
She would say the brightest of things
Even though I was still stuck on her mispronouncing my name
Then she spent less time at home and more trying to grow up as fast as possible
To me she grew more beautiful by the day
And her smile more healing, more assuring
There I was driven to protect her from the evil world
Which could easily rip away that smile
But her spirit is too big to cage
So I let her brighten the world also
Every departure made with a silent prayer
And now she starts to see the flaws I do not
She no longer answers to Tanana
Its too juvenile for this big girl
And she blushes every time I mention her old ways
Especially amongst future in-laws
What she does not understand is
As she walks around the place
Chit chatting making conversation
With a confident steady stride
As she shows remarkable responsibility
I still see Tanana tumble across the room in her dippers
In a bid to embrace me
Sparkling eyes brighter than ever
Without a care in the world
As pure as they come
I blink again and to my amazement,
Tanana is now Tanatswa.

I am yours

20140702_183532~2And my life’s symphony goes on
Because that’s the only thing I can do
An art I have had to master
Airborne love invades my body
Slipping past the cage, bolted safe and brick wall, without breaking a sweat
It is yours to command
I am yours to divulge
And my concert still gets fans
I have packed my subconscious so go on; invade
Feel my veins darken as your essence gets to my mind, my soul, my everything
It is yours to obliterate
I am yours to have
And my strings remain attached
I have been taken over by your power of seduction
Black becomes grey, red to orange
Our eyes become one
I take you in as you take me in
We are ours to hold dear
We are whatever is
And my music will live on
Way past our entwined love and bodies
Skin to bone, rocks to sand
Fire to smoke, songs to records
We can lay in our despair
But still we have had something that will last forever
It is your song to take
My words to write
And our love to play.

15 000 tears

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I let you blind fold my eyes with empty promises
You then took my hand and led me with the belief you would not give it back
That impelled me to follow you into the forbidden forest
And showed me blissful wonders
Can only be achieved by the two of us
No song; just our heartbeats
No food; just our lips
No cloth; just our bodies
You admonished that I wait just one minute
Whilst you scout for our next contingency
And I sat there cuddled in anticipation of your return
Days, hours, weeks, seconds remained unknown to me
The only time measurement had were the 15000 tears I know I cried
The presumption cloud passed
And I finally convened my courage to remove the blinds
To face the reality of a time I will never have again
I stumbled, I fell, I rose, I crawled, I ran
For there were numerous ghosts of a past life haunting me
But all of these lacerations are memories of us cut skin deep
I barely made it out and I still hear the shadows’ taunts
Locked up in a time I will never have again
There I found you, seasons passed t the forest fringe
Handing your mind, body and soul on a silver platter
Seemed a worthy prize for my struggles
I take your hand, because I want it to be like it was, I need it for my sanity
But before we go back into the woods
Did you cry 15000 tears when you lost me?

To Amai

Dear Mama
I write to you now before human nature overcomes me and I am succumbed to forgetting the hurt that bends my knees almost to raising a white flag.
First and foremost I feel the need to apologise. My deep seeded paranoia has me believing you deserve a better version of me. That maybe what keeps you so faithful to your duties as a mother is clinging to the hope that, maybe, just maybe that woman will soon come to light. That you were not worthy of the fright that came with being called in the middle of the night after I was admitted into hospital numerous times after stress induced summons. Above all I am sorry I am so strong willed and courageous enough to stand up for what I think is right, no matter how small it is or how huge the opposition is. And that those I am standing up to will always bring it back to you. Because they know there no one I love more than you; and that love has grown abundantly over the years as I have watched you work tirelessly for my happiness and well being.

You are in no way responsible for all that ticks anticlockwise in my head. You tried your best but life has a different calling for my character.
To be honest I miss you a lot especially in those moments I fail because it feels like my rebellion is now then an endless and pointless cycle. I feel like running sometimes, just to feel the wind go through my hair; to go and never stop. Instead now just for you, I go to the shoreline to see the waves; listen to them crush against each other, as if in a bid to rescue us from ourselves, through the beauty of death. Sweet innocent waves, gracious waves if only it were that simple, to take that option every time you find yourself round in this square world; it is not an option for me when I have such a phenomenal mother to appreciate the little I have to give.
But I miss you even more when I try my best to be honest and hardworking but the devil still finds agents to stir me away from the few lights that still irradiate along my dark pathway.
Thank you for showing me so much by letting me follow my heart
Hope to see you soon
Your daughter
XoXoXIMG_0326

Sirens of Normality

There as a black embryo giving off green ripple effects
I heard them for the first time
Loud, terrifying, outrageously judgemental, the same there after
Drove me mad; walked with bleeding wrists that year
Excuse me sir can you help?
White teeth conversations ended, backs turned to me
I could not hold back the pain stained tears
All I wanted was perhaps an explanation, an answer for the demons inside
Felt like speaking French amongst the shonas
The teenage mother to a bastard was the one who embraced me
And interpreted my cries
She who tended to my wounds both skin deep and soulful
She who sheltered me from the sirens
Nothing rhymes with forever, neither did her protection
The loud wailing eroded with prejudice penetrated again
Forced me out, tried my luck again
I ran into the crowd of well educated and stand up citizens
With a “numerous-suicide-attempts” tag legible
Pardon me mam, I need help
White teeth smiles disappeared, and the light of salvation blown out
As I slowly drowned in the sirens of the right perception
Only the man with a castrated dignity and tattooed body
Stuck out his neck to help campus my life
He predicted there wasn’t a promised land; just surviving through resistance
Jetlagged on a journey to prove him wrong,
I got off the next stop
Befriended some white teeth teens and some rednecks
Lasted till I lived out my urges
I hear the sirens again
Threatening to stop my forward march to survival
This time I turned to acquaintances
Only to have a weed ridden hippie stranger resuscitate me
To magnify the writing embedded on the stone
That only the extraordinary understand the damaged
If we all understood this; no deafening sirens would be heard
And the young rebels would not have to run and hide again.cropped-dscf9243.jpg

Letter to Janice

182473_343729082395925_50420444_nI know you have been through a lot
I know I can never understand or comprehend
I know you are more eager than others to have the ground swallow you up
I know if it were me I would not have survived
And that’s what makes you remarkable J
I know you know no one really gets it
I hope you know I try my best
In that when I was all fibres in limbers
You wove me to be this fabric: PHENOMINAL
And that I probably owe you my life
I don’t know how you do it, to find the strength
To look in the mirror and not hate yourself each day
I don’t know how you are so radiant when I know the darkness inside
Its impossible finding such equilibrium
And here you are making it possible
The battles you lose
The war you will win
I know you will conquer all
Just as you have been my light
I will be the flame that survives the cold
I might not always be a phone call away
But I am a heartbeat away
That daily thought of me be your companion
That my love for you be your comfort over seas and oceans
And I pray with time you will reflection
Will convince you of what you are:
Beautiful; inside and out
Now get into the world and make others just as beautiful
Enola alone never
Faith will guide you through.