Lies my mother told me

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He was the first I told of my afflictions

It must be love, mummy’s little girl told herself

Confusion whence the thoughts are repeated

Break the heart, pick it up; sigh,monotonous exhaustion,drop it

It must be perseverance mother’s bosom comforted

There is no greater agony than feeling lonely when in love

It must be you never him, you’ve always expected too much, mother’s shoulders will carry you

We do not speak the same language

It must b that your language is too demanding, momma raised a translator

“He is perfect for you, hence it must be you ruining everything”!

Fundamental thoughts planted by a misguided love.

 

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Fundamentals

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Do not owe any man your existence

Nor a species

Get your papers sorted

Be bullet proof when they drive by

Hiding their faces in the low rides

Smile and wave: You got you

Network, you can not float my Island

Don’t let the strings strangle you

God save me from the razor

Rather save me from myself

Never loved myself more

Than when I’m naked, blade and I

Water and blood percolate along my frame

Ear plug out the gentleman drunk on power

I’m over the complaints routine

If you are so unhappy, do something

Instead of drowning me in pools of what ifs of a lazy illusioned man

My sister gave birth to my love child

I have nothing to show for it

Mondays tuned out to be Sundays, the puppet strings go

Looks like I am slipping away

It’s just time for my book away

Shed a few close friends in my peeling

Sad, Rest In Peace girl I used to know

All in all I am Mining for patience

All the while being confused

By whether or not I should wait out destiny

Create the perfect moment yourself…eye roll

I don’t rhyme, I procrastinate

On a mission to kill this physical body

Riddled with fears and excuses not to share what the third eye contemplates

Death of self equals world peace

I know nothing.

Women’s month hangover

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I took to the underground, deep depths of my day to day routine to find out what I am most proud of as a young woman in Africa. I took to my own reflection to get answers of whether or not I am doing past struggles for equality justice. 

I am trying but there is still room for improvement. I still need to find a more positive response to those questions, you know, the ones your male friends always assume you have answers to. The ones that go like ‘why do you women…’ it’s never a good question. It groups us all into a little cluster and now I am judged by another sister’s actions. Like now I am healing someone else’s damage as I hold my brother/friend in the bosom of whatever selfish actions women took.

I am lending cash to a brother who’s girl won’t hear no for an answer to having her manicure session sponsored, that cannot be cancelled because your understanding of love includes his wallet.

I am babysitting nieces and nephews of women walking away from overwhelming ‘drama’ of the consequences of not only your choice in men but using the child card to get him to stay, only to find out he wasn’t the one. Ehhh excuse me but if you felt the need to get pregnant to pin him down then you were done for to start with.

I am exhausted by fake smiles and sexist comments that are whispered afterwards, because I prefer alternative clothing. I am tired of friendships that only last until the next best guy comes by. Also my shoulders hurt from all the sisters and brothers I have to console after having been backstabbed at work by some female who found a short cut to a means.

As a young woman, I have every right to call out some inconsiderate behavior (to say the least) expressed by some women out there. Some justify their actions because it’s towards men, and apparently all men are trash, but sister that man is my brother and a good man and I have to clean up your mess. Own up to your struggles, don’t beg for anything and nothing worthwhile comes from cheating your way to it.

Women’s month hangover thoughts.

He who made me from breaking me

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The one I’ve loved with all I understand to the word

He is not the one cheering me on , proudly in the front row

He who does not read the only language I’ve mastered to communicate in

And yet here I am in love beyond a doubt

I used to get angry at the whispered cheering

Then I became my own cheerleader

I used to be saddened by the conversations we should have had but you never wanted to

I became my own best friend

And after all this time

He who’s beauty I celebrate and thank God for every morning

He has never called me beautiful

He plundered all the fake confidence I had

Just in time to have me learn to love myself

For now I know I am beautiful

I am intelligent

I am enough, I am worth it

You’d think with all he has taught me by default

I’d leave, but all I want is him

He who breaks my heart everyday by misunderstanding  my heart strings

Without him I wouldn’t know how to walk alone amongst company

Without him I never would have realised  my self worth

And just how far I can take myself

He has made me strong because he loved me in a language I am yet to understand

I promised I would not walk away this time around

My strong self and I find that’s the only reason we’re still here most of the time

He who did not love me the way I thought love was to be sung

Is the one who taught me how to dance alone.

That woman

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We walked together as best as different species could

I envied the occasional monkey swinging by and never alone

We were raised to compete not support

Such is the silent curse that whispers most females into formation

With that I forgive every sexist female I’m yet to encounter

I am​ willing to give you a second chance

Love demands more than hatred

And I cannot shy away from a challenge

So with every waking moment I challenge myself to be inspired and not jealous

To judge less and ask more

To listen more and speak honestly

It’s more enticing to encourage than break down

Stripped off a countless times I go into the waters to cleanse not just myself but our mindset

Be that woman who just wants to bring out the best in people

Moon lit

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slow dancing under moonlight

It is within inadequacy we find our greatest adversary

And no one knows the enemy more intimately than I

For I lay with it and wake with it

I dance with it and contemplate with it

Regardless of how many times I nurse it to sleep

No one has caused so much of a ruckus as the love I have for you

Your damage resonates beyond my  sound proof walls

I had it in check, surviving was enough

Am I now building false memories from the future

You have not done anything more than become what I need

Or have I evolved around your genetic markers so I can be happier

Complacent: thoughts that infect my mind

I do not think you could ever comprehend how much this all frightens me

it undresses my confidence, cemented in protective layers of self love

So my greatest fear among the few

Is that perhaps you will not adequately clothe my insecurities

Because like a babe I come before you

Warm fire you echo endlessly

Lover, will you not feed off my self-consciousness

Even my third eye hazes in your direction

I walked into this turmoil independently, knowingly

And there is no storm I would rather embrace

I am drawn in by how your frequency

Feeds my soul.

 

Dear 19 year old rebel

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Feels like I am back full circle

But do not want to believe that this is it

Blog 3 years old, body 21 but my soul old as ever trying to remember days before the reincarnation

You hustling and working, energised to change the world, keep at it

I come from the other side, the chewed up  hippie

Met a few homies who said my rants won’t save the world

So as the walls come crushing down, I am willing to face them

I have not completely given up on humanity or us

I just want it all to make sense

We still not published though

because the more I read the more I feel I have nothing worthy to say

When we started this, we wanted less kids to slit their wrists

And less beautiful dark skinned individuals to bleach their skin

All I am now is full of phobias and pity because there is a story behind that dysfunction

Feels like by the time they read my blog, if they ever

It’s too late

But regardless, will keep sending my version of Morse code

No manual needed, your heart does the interpretation

Taking a gap year was not a waste of time, I still look back at you

Winking at how awesome you were at being ignorant

In a rush to unlearn all I have

First would be letting go of the saddest love I have ever known

It has me trapped in a cage of endless possibilities

But no concrete evidence that what I believe is real, I think he is my truest testimony at having complete faith in a being

I remember how nervous I was today, three years ago

Now I cannot possibly give any less of a sh@!

Because everybody is going to find some fault

After 300 words of rambling what I am getting to is:

All our pain and suffering was not in vain

I do not have the end game with me now

Actually life took a detour and I am some how where I began

On better days I have a little cheer leader who smiles at me indiscriminately

On bad days I do not jump off because no one is there to mind her but me

And above all I want to protect her from all this for as long as I am allowed to

Her mum keeps reminding me how unhappy I am

She does not get that being alive is as joyous as some days come, because yes a human being can sink that low

All in all I want you and me to make sense, to add up

Friends have shuffled, family keeps dwindling and I do  not know where I am going with this

But I have come to fully surrender to a higher power beyond my full comprehension

That maybe having people touch us in places we never knew existed will never make sense

Or feeling a deep sense of melancholy that leaves you physically paralysed, well just happens

All I am saying to you I guess is I still do not have answers to  even half of what happened to you

But I have stopped living for you because is more rewarding than yesterday

I have become selfish like that

I just want to make enough money to go about living my life

And enough memories for the next life over

So I just walk in anywhere and everywhere identifying myself as an African

No relation.

I am making it up as I go, because everyday I feel like a better version

Gotta Upgrade, meaning moving on from who you thought I should be

With that in mind this is my last letter to you

 

 

 

 

Active Poetry

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“Active Poetry”is what I call activism through poetry. It is when you go beyond performing poetry at a poetry night with a cosy and intimate audience, it’s taking to the streets and letting it roar as loud as possible. I have only been to two of them but I assure you there are many more to come. The last we had here in Windhoek was to commemorate 16 days of activism against Gender Based Violence, which is a real problem in this country to say the least. It was organised by Township productions in collaboration with Grassroot Slam poetry, two active organisations in their own right. I just happen to love poetry and a budding activist.

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After all protocol was observed, we took chalk and “chalked ” out our thoughts on Gender Based Violence on the pavement on the space allowed. We encouraged members of the public to be involved, grab a chalk or ask questions, young and old were all invited and I am sure that there is one more person who knows a bit more about Gender Based Violence after our little poetry day out. Though I am not as active on my beloved blog as I would like to, the poetry never stops flowing, neither does the activist in me die. Rebel movement over and out.

 

Being Aunt Fay

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Pure innocence bright

Blinding my eyes

You have this thing of brightening up cloudless days

Forgive me child for I have sinned

Before I met you, I played out a thousand different worst case scenarios

In all of them we sacrifice everything for your well being

This must be love

Hardest hello with all my flaws

And you, little bundle of pure joy

Perfection

Difficult greetings because I am unworthy

Of such powerful embraces

Kneeling before you offering everything I am and more

Saddest goodbye every time

Because just for a while you engulf me in a world I miss

Traces of my childhood

With you in sight you make it okay to be

No questions, no need for justifications

Inhale, exhale, explore

Curiosity, pure curiosity

I need a lifetime to trust as much as you trust our embraces

You unite us

Gogo raised diverse kids

But we all melt for you

Thank you for your mere existence, little carrot

You empower us by enabling us

Allowing us to vaguely bask in your aura

Purity of emotion, of life

Bloom little flower on this canvas we will hold steadfast for you.