He who made me from breaking me

The one I’ve loved with all I understand to the word

He is not the one cheering me on , proudly in the front row

He who does not read the only language I’ve mastered to communicate in

And yet here I am in love beyond a doubt

I used to get angry at the whispered cheering

Then I became my own cheerleader

I used to be saddened by the conversations we should have had but you never wanted to

I became my own best friend

And after all this time

He who’s beauty I celebrate and thank God for every morning

He has never called me beautiful

He plundered all the fake confidence I had

Just in time to have me learn to love myself

For now I know I am beautiful

I am intelligent

I am enough, I am worth it

You’d think with all he has taught me by default

I’d leave, but all I want is him

He who breaks my heart everyday by misunderstanding  my heart strings

Without him I wouldn’t know how to walk alone amongst company

Without him I never would have realised  my self worth

And just how far I can take myself

He has made me strong because he loved me in a language I am yet to understand

I promised I would not walk away this time around

My strong self and I find that’s the only reason we’re still here most of the time

He who did not love me the way I thought love was to be sung

Is the one who taught me how to dance alone.

That woman

We walked together as best as different species could

I envied the occasional monkey swinging by and never alone

We were raised to compete not support

Such is the silent curse that whispers most females into formation

With that I forgive every sexist female I’m yet to encounter

I am​ willing to give you a second chance

Love demands more than hatred

And I cannot shy away from a challenge

So with every waking moment I challenge myself to be inspired and not jealous

To judge less and ask more

To listen more and speak honestly

It’s more enticing to encourage than break down

Stripped off a countless times I go into the waters to cleanse not just myself but our mindset

Be that woman who just wants to bring out the best in people

Moon lit

slow dancing under moonlight

It is within inadequacy we find our greatest adversary

And no one knows the enemy more intimately than I

For I lay with it and wake with it

I dance with it and contemplate with it

Regardless of how many times I nurse it to sleep

No one has caused so much of a ruckus as the love I have for you

Your damage resonates beyond my  sound proof walls

I had it in check, surviving was enough

Am I now building false memories from the future

You have not done anything more than become what I need

Or have I evolved around your genetic markers so I can be happier

Complacent: thoughts that infect my mind

I do not think you could ever comprehend how much this all frightens me

it undresses my confidence, cemented in protective layers of self love

So my greatest fear among the few

Is that perhaps you will not adequately clothe my insecurities

Because like a babe I come before you

Warm fire you echo endlessly

Lover, will you not feed off my self-consciousness

Even my third eye hazes in your direction

I walked into this turmoil independently, knowingly

And there is no storm I would rather embrace

I am drawn in by how your frequency

Feeds my soul.

 

Dear 19 year old rebel

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Feels like I am back full circle

But do not want to believe that this is it

Blog 3 years old, body 21 but my soul old as ever trying to remember days before the reincarnation

You hustling and working, energised to change the world, keep at it

I come from the other side, the chewed up  hippie

Met a few homies who said my rants won’t save the world

So as the walls come crushing down, I am willing to face them

I have not completely given up on humanity or us

I just want it all to make sense

We still not published though

because the more I read the more I feel I have nothing worthy to say

When we started this, we wanted less kids to slit their wrists

And less beautiful dark skinned individuals to bleach their skin

All I am now is full of phobias and pity because there is a story behind that dysfunction

Feels like by the time they read my blog, if they ever

It’s too late

But regardless, will keep sending my version of Morse code

No manual needed, your heart does the interpretation

Taking a gap year was not a waste of time, I still look back at you

Winking at how awesome you were at being ignorant

In a rush to unlearn all I have

First would be letting go of the saddest love I have ever known

It has me trapped in a cage of endless possibilities

But no concrete evidence that what I believe is real, I think he is my truest testimony at having complete faith in a being

I remember how nervous I was today, three years ago

Now I cannot possibly give any less of a sh@!

Because everybody is going to find some fault

After 300 words of rambling what I am getting to is:

All our pain and suffering was not in vain

I do not have the end game with me now

Actually life took a detour and I am some how where I began

On better days I have a little cheer leader who smiles at me indiscriminately

On bad days I do not jump off because no one is there to mind her but me

And above all I want to protect her from all this for as long as I am allowed to

Her mum keeps reminding me how unhappy I am

She does not get that being alive is as joyous as some days come, because yes a human being can sink that low

All in all I want you and me to make sense, to add up

Friends have shuffled, family keeps dwindling and I do  not know where I am going with this

But I have come to fully surrender to a higher power beyond my full comprehension

That maybe having people touch us in places we never knew existed will never make sense

Or feeling a deep sense of melancholy that leaves you physically paralysed, well just happens

All I am saying to you I guess is I still do not have answers to  even half of what happened to you

But I have stopped living for you because is more rewarding than yesterday

I have become selfish like that

I just want to make enough money to go about living my life

And enough memories for the next life over

So I just walk in anywhere and everywhere identifying myself as an African

No relation.

I am making it up as I go, because everyday I feel like a better version

Gotta Upgrade, meaning moving on from who you thought I should be

With that in mind this is my last letter to you

 

 

 

 

Active Poetry

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“Active Poetry”is what I call activism through poetry. It is when you go beyond performing poetry at a poetry night with a cosy and intimate audience, it’s taking to the streets and letting it roar as loud as possible. I have only been to two of them but I assure you there are many more to come. The last we had here in Windhoek was to commemorate 16 days of activism against Gender Based Violence, which is a real problem in this country to say the least. It was organised by Township productions in collaboration with Grassroot Slam poetry, two active organisations in their own right. I just happen to love poetry and a budding activist.

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After all protocol was observed, we took chalk and “chalked ” out our thoughts on Gender Based Violence on the pavement on the space allowed. We encouraged members of the public to be involved, grab a chalk or ask questions, young and old were all invited and I am sure that there is one more person who knows a bit more about Gender Based Violence after our little poetry day out. Though I am not as active on my beloved blog as I would like to, the poetry never stops flowing, neither does the activist in me die. Rebel movement over and out.

 

Being Aunt Fay

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Pure innocence bright

Blinding my eyes

You have this thing of brightening up cloudless days

Forgive me child for I have sinned

Before I met you, I played out a thousand different worst case scenarios

In all of them we sacrifice everything for your well being

This must be love

Hardest hello with all my flaws

And you, little bundle of pure joy

Perfection

Difficult greetings because I am unworthy

Of such powerful embraces

Kneeling before you offering everything I am and more

Saddest goodbye every time

Because just for a while you engulf me in a world I miss

Traces of my childhood

With you in sight you make it okay to be

No questions, no need for justifications

Inhale, exhale, explore

Curiosity, pure curiosity

I need a lifetime to trust as much as you trust our embraces

You unite us

Gogo raised diverse kids

But we all melt for you

Thank you for your mere existence, little carrot

You empower us by enabling us

Allowing us to vaguely bask in your aura

Purity of emotion, of life

Bloom little flower on this canvas we will hold steadfast for you.

Another Random Quote

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I am not aspiring to be of the western world. What you see today is a struggle, where my traditions are trying to survive a way of life forced upon generations of my people. So please do not get it twisted because when I cry my emotions leak and spill out my struggle.

Peace be Still

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I let things be

Let it flow like silk strands through my fingers

Fragile yet strong,I just let them be

Laugh out loud to break the silence

That questions my sanity

Smile when I feel like it

Dance when the legs tap out

In all the turmoil my insecurities create

My feelings become the only genuine campus

So that’s the truth behind my straight face

That I know nothing but you my destination

I run after my heart often

Only to catch it too late

I never scold it because it never stops moving forward

The only peace it finds is it’s quickened pace

Bottom line is no one person determines my balance

I hold the scale with my hands and feet when all else fails

That is my calm within this life storm

Much like I love not because I found someone better

But I found someone better suited

Neither Taller,more beautiful,nor richer

He is just what he is supposed to be

Someone I need right now

Much like I said already

It is about what the heart wants

Not how shattered it was left

Because I reclaimed the power to control my happiness

So if dirty dancing is what we feel like

Me, myself and I are going

I am incapable of waiting around for company

When will waiting ever be overdue

Much like apologising for your every thought process

When will you stop? When you stop thinking

Into the moonlight I venture

For more much appreciated misadventures of Rebel Rouser Bubblehead.

 

 

Glass Half full and Half empty

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Thought I would walk out into Chikwari street early this morning

After  the morning breeze ushered a ghastly wind

Crisp with cold and clouds to make it a winter I have not seen for a while

As I stood there by the window,I thought I would hear my mother bellow in

Screaming about the fire we had not made

But when I lock my door, I am in a hostel far from those memories

As the clouds pass by,they take with them the false sense of home

You have cut me off a few times

When I lose my line of thought to a man he could be

I forgive you,for through your micro-eyes

My glass is neither half full nor half empty

My hair was long just yesterday,but today other locks are better

Because no matter how loud I play my music

There is always one who will blast Nirvana much louder

So when it reaches the dark room where you wait for your spotlight

I will never be the best of anything

Just a bunch of would be’s

It goes back to filling up my love tank

With some much needed love and attention

I wake up to a new struggle to convince myself I am the best version of myself

But you fail to  fall in love with me

I do not blame you,I find it difficult too

As a candle in the wind that guides you before dawn

Though you let the sun erase memories of me

I remain steadfast in the wind

Much like the desert winter I am subjected to

I will not forget to fill my glass

After I give thanks for it being half full

Half the work done

As the cancer of your inadequacy persists

I am  too weary for radical treatments

Just as the sound of silence gets darker

Loving myself grows like a budding flower.

 

 

As I lay my head

 

 

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That as I hold my head with distant memories of your small fingers I am yet to hold

I bid you hello into a world with very few warm places

That I worry not is not to concern you

Because the faith I have shields me from treacherous thoughts

So I pray for your safe passage through this world

For it is not the end nor the beginning

For in a previous life I might have held you and been the rock I want to be now

To be there for you as your father has

Much like I said,I hide behind the notion of another life

Where I am much closer and happy

For in this world

There is not a scenario where I can reach you and be content

So for now I am being selfish and following my heart and dreams

So that when you do the same I will defend you

For I have tasted of the fruits myself

But lately my head hurts

A never ending pounding smothers my safety net

As my thoughts linger across a border to a love I have not known

But the world has familiarized with

And I get jealous of them who can touch,taste and smell that which is mine

Because I dream about it night and day

Now I invest in time to become worthy of such blissful joy

Though it hurts drilling the whole to fill the empty space

There is nothing else to it

I have to get through it

And pray you never know a love so great and destructive

Or maybe you should

I can only make recommendations

When life flashes before my eyes

Just before I leave you for another journey.