Day Six

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Apologies, I mixed up the requirements for day 5 and six, yesterday’s question is today’s question, your day in great detail.

Woke up early to clean the house and do my laundry, weather rarely permits for the good old hang outside. Felt drained so everything was done in slow mode. 

Had my first driving lesson and I didn’t crash, I consider that a significant achievement. Soon after the whole excitement I crashed after taking pain pills, which I hate by the way.

Woke up and prepared for work, finished off my poem due to be performed this coming Sunday, I’m super nervous about that (just a side note). In between I sneaked in a thousand kisses to my niece, goofed around with my brother and talked to my mum about random home stuff, I haven’t been home in years, so I enjoy the yearly update.

That’s pretty much my day.

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Day Four (30 day blog challenge)

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 your current relationship status:

I can somehow say I am in an educational relationship of sorts. I have found a foreign concept and I am following it and I see some silver lining. I’m being taken, voluntarily through a detour of just how different life can be and still be okay. It’s almost like learning how to walk again, walking away from the darkness of prior heart aches. I do quite enjoy the baby steps to not only peace of mind and tranquility but to endless possibilities of how it all could end. I am happy.

30 Day blog challenge

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This has been on my mind for too long and I’ve been falling victim to procastination and endless excuses. Every year in July I try to do something I’ve never done, because I’m a adrenaline junkie (on a budget ūüėā) and an explorer both of the physical and spiritual realm. Last year I went quad biking in a desert, I’m hoping to go paragliding this year, will see. For now I’m going to tackle a 30 day blog challenge, anyone else feel free to join, maybe we can have a blog-off, haha. I’m starting my challenge on the first of  July. 

Please keep an eye out as I blog in response to the questions on my 30 day blog challenge.

Pan African Christian

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I recently went for a Christian camp get away over the Easter break, it was my first break in a while and I decided to do something I have never done, that is, go for a Christian Camp. Funny I should say that because I was born into Christianity but never had enough conviction to follow through camp plans. I always wanted to and my parents supported me just as much as when I decided it might not be for the best. It was a different reason every time, but it all came down to me becoming an adult and never have gone for one church camp. I never felt as though I was any less a Christian so, what the heck.

Still on that ‘Be Inquisitive’ tip, one question has been continuously on¬†my mind, more like an earworm of a societal tune that I got hooked on, but the funny thing is the lyrics were by yours truly. Does Christianity support Pan Africanism. To those new to Pan Africanism, it can be defined as the idea that people of African descent have common interests and should be unified. This is the most vague way I can put it because I believe everyone has their own take on Pan Africanism and infuse it in their daily lives differently. Some incorporate their traditional wear with their work clothes and so forth. Before I go into different ways to work towards our ‘unification’ , I wanted the question “Does Christianity support Pan Africanism?” to be answered first.

Whilst analysing the question I realised that first and foremost I was trying to put pan-Africanism into my Christian beliefs, so came the first fundamental question came to light, was  I to first identify myself as a Christian or as a pan Africanist? Or should it be rightfully the other way around. Well my search began to get me going round and round and well I am no closer to finding the answer but there is one thing that did come out time and time again: Love your neighbour as you love yourself. Love is I believe a fundamental concept to being a Christian. With that vague translation of my take on Christianity, I leave you, my awesome readers with this question: How might the command to love your neighbour as you love yourself  include the need to work for change when that change could indeed make life better and fairer for your neighbour, that is keeping in mind that Pan Africanism is considered a movement for black empowerment.

Dear 19 year old rebel

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Feels like I am back full circle

But do not want to believe that this is it

Blog 3 years old, body 21 but my soul old as ever trying to remember days before the reincarnation

You hustling and working, energised to change the world, keep at it

I come from the other side, the chewed up  hippie

Met a few homies who said my rants won’t save the world

So as the walls come crushing down, I am willing to face them

I have not completely given up on humanity or us

I just want it all to make sense

We still not published though

because the more I read the more I feel I have nothing worthy to say

When we started this, we wanted less kids to slit their wrists

And less beautiful dark skinned individuals to bleach their skin

All I am now is full of phobias and pity because there is a story behind that dysfunction

Feels like by the time they read my blog, if they ever

It’s too late

But regardless, will keep sending my version of Morse code

No manual needed, your heart does the interpretation

Taking a gap year was not a waste of time, I still look back at you

Winking at how awesome you were at being ignorant

In a rush to unlearn all I have

First would be letting go of the saddest love I have ever known

It has me trapped in a cage of endless possibilities

But no concrete evidence that what I believe is real, I think he is my truest testimony at having complete faith in a being

I remember how nervous I was today, three years ago

Now I cannot possibly give any less of a sh@!

Because everybody is going to find some fault

After 300 words of rambling what I am getting to is:

All our pain and suffering was not in vain

I do not have the end game with me now

Actually life took a detour and I am some how where I began

On better days I have a little cheer leader who smiles at me indiscriminately

On bad days I do not jump off because no one is there to mind her but me

And above all I want to protect her from all this for as long as I am allowed to

Her mum keeps reminding me how unhappy I am

She does not get that being alive is as joyous as some days come, because yes a human being can sink that low

All in all I want you and me to make sense, to add up

Friends have shuffled, family keeps dwindling and I do  not know where I am going with this

But I have come to fully surrender to a higher power beyond my full comprehension

That maybe having people touch us in places we never knew existed will never make sense

Or feeling a deep sense of melancholy that leaves you physically paralysed, well just happens

All I am saying to you I guess is I still do not have answers to  even half of what happened to you

But I have stopped living for you because is more rewarding than yesterday

I have become selfish like that

I just want to make enough money to go about living my life

And enough memories for the next life over

So I just walk in anywhere and everywhere identifying myself as an African

No relation.

I am making it up as I go, because everyday I feel like a better version

Gotta Upgrade, meaning moving on from who you thought I should be

With that in mind this is my last letter to you

 

 

 

 

Racism’s half sister

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Photo Credit:Township Productions

Just when I thought Racism was the worst I could face with the fast approaching adulthood, I met her more sinister sister Colourism. According to the Oxford living dictionaries, Colourism can be defined as “Prejudice or discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group”.

I was completely oblivious to this concept until I started waitressing back in 2014 in Cape Town. The more I worked the more I met new people and concepts of socialising . One of my favorite hobbies became trying out new restaurants as far as public transport could take me because my older sister was having none of the babysitting my curiosity. Whenever it would be my black sisters and I exclusively, everything would take forever, well most times at least, first was getting anyone to help, then drinks by the time we want to order food, I was already missing my sister’s home cooked meals. I did not notice how much of a breeze eating out was when I went out with my white and coloured friends (This particular friend does not mind being called coloured). It took months before the statistician in me noticed the discrepancies . I started asking around work if it happened to my black workmates too, they were all in the loop. So relaxed was their acknowledgement of the existence of Colourism in the service industry. Some of them went the extra mile explaining how they were selective about the service they gave solely ¬†on the ¬†fact that black people do not tip. Not even most, ¬†just that all of us do not tip, as well as rude and difficult customers. Well in their defense there is an African proverb that says that there is no smoke without fire, so if you tend to be difficult for no reason, for the sake of the rest of the black community, please stop being a little restaurant princess/prince.

This is an existing form of Colourism, which I am sure makes our fallen liberation heroes toss and turn in their graves. What is it with us black people, well the ones on this side of the continent( mind you I am not very well traveled), I mean like we do not have enough problems as it is. There is poverty, gender based violence, pollution and many more other struggles we have to address, but now Colourism. It makes it more difficult to address Racism if we cannot even treat light and dark skin melanin equally. I think Colourism infuriates me more than Racism does because you are being discriminated against by the people in the same boat, brethren in the struggle for social equality.

Fast forward to 2017, I have a bag load of instances where I have had to prefer another skin colour assist me, enough for me to shy away from eating out much, I am sticking to takeaways ¬†and ¬†home cooked food. Yes I admit not the best solution but well at work I put extra effort in being equally pleasant to everyone regardless of skin tone. I use a first come first served approach to avoid as much bias as possible, it is my way of restoring people’s faith in the ‘blackind’ service. Before you get the wrong impression I am advocating for equality, not special treatment because of a shared skin tone. Skin colour does not guarantee a cut above the rest, smile to all and wait to read the character, you will be doing the world a huge favor.

Still on the inquisitive tip, my question to you my beloved (I love you all regardless of skin colour)is what are you doing towards to ending the reign of the two evil sisters(or brothers) Racism and/or Colourism. Not just long term, I mean everyday habits can help end their long tyrannic rule over your mindset. From one awesome waitress/student in Windhoek Namibia, enjoy the week ahead.

Peace be Still

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I let things be

Let it flow like silk strands through my fingers

Fragile yet strong,I just let them be

Laugh out loud to break the silence

That questions my sanity

Smile when I feel like it

Dance when the legs tap out

In all the turmoil my insecurities create

My feelings become the only genuine campus

So that’s the truth behind my straight face

That I know nothing but you my destination

I run after my heart often

Only to catch it too late

I never scold it because it never stops moving forward

The only peace it finds is it’s quickened pace

Bottom line is no one person determines my balance

I hold the scale with my hands and feet when all else fails

That is my calm within this life storm

Much like I love not because I found someone better

But I found someone better suited

Neither Taller,more beautiful,nor richer

He is just what he is supposed to be

Someone I need right now

Much like I said already

It is about what the heart wants

Not how shattered it was left

Because I reclaimed the power to control my happiness

So if dirty dancing is what we feel like

Me, myself and I are going

I am incapable of waiting around for company

When will waiting ever be overdue

Much like apologising for your every thought process

When will you stop? When you stop thinking

Into the moonlight I venture

For more much appreciated misadventures of Rebel Rouser Bubblehead.

 

 

Glass Half full and Half empty

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Thought I would walk out into Chikwari street early this morning

After  the morning breeze ushered a ghastly wind

Crisp with cold and clouds to make it a winter I have not seen for a while

As I stood there by the window,I thought I would hear my mother bellow in

Screaming about the fire we had not made

But when I lock my door, I am in a hostel far from those memories

As the clouds pass by,they take with them the false sense of home

You have cut me off a few times

When I lose my line of thought to a man he could be

I forgive you,for through your micro-eyes

My glass is neither half full nor half empty

My hair was long just yesterday,but today other locks are better

Because no matter how loud I play my music

There is always one who will blast Nirvana much louder

So when it reaches the dark room where you wait for your spotlight

I will never be the best of anything

Just a bunch of would be’s

It goes back to filling up my love tank

With some much needed love and attention

I wake up to a new struggle to convince myself I am the best version of myself

But you fail to  fall in love with me

I do not blame you,I find it difficult too

As a candle in the wind that guides you before dawn

Though you let the sun erase memories of me

I remain steadfast in the wind

Much like the desert winter I am subjected to

I will not forget to fill my glass

After I give thanks for it being half full

Half the work done

As the cancer of your inadequacy persists

I am  too weary for radical treatments

Just as the sound of silence gets darker

Loving myself grows like a budding flower.

 

 

Strangers we are

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Wonder if you still smell like the version of you from the night I had too much tequila

Held my head up against consequences of misinformed decisions

Estranged as you are

You do not walk as proud as when I trailed behind you

Estranged as I am

I do not have as much pride in wearing my heart on my sleeve

As when you had my back and protected my sleeve to engulf it’s contents

Strangers we are,no regrets, no words

Because I do not see him in you

The young man I dribbled with a bit

Million dollar question is if he ever existed

How else would you explain his disappearance aligning with my departure

A charade to entice and excite my existence

Then there is the uproar that followed

Irrelevant to why I have spent so much time on you today

I cannot help but wonder why I did not sense him the other day when we crossed paths

That unmistakable spiritual energy

The one I was engulfed in for the better part of my Namibian memories

We all just need a little patience

Ran out of musical chairs when the jam had me hooked

Just tell me where he is

I forgot to say thank you, for an alternate reality

An escape,a haven,a dimension customised for my existence

I often find solace in a scenario

Where you finally drink yourself to the brink of death

And I show up to stand by you till I am no longer a crutch

Naturally you ask why, after all strangers we are

Simply to pay a debt to a version of you

That went as quick as it came

To finally explain why I do not look your way any more

Your gaze holds nothing of intrigue

Sad really

So who was he, the one I cannot find in your eyes any more

A glimpse into your future I hope

Because him I could reserve a whole lot of patience

Well son you have a bright future behind you

If not,stop wasting our time

The world is already congested with enough imbeciles

Try something more original

Than the redundant story of how the world has rejected you to the bottle

Or strangers we remain.