How not to give up on your personal blog

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Having a personal blog is one of the most excruciating thing out there. Mainly because you have to constantly remind yourself that the blog is for you by you and well usually about you too. The tide gets rough when you do not get as much traffic as you expected or wanted, which is the state my blog is in, and you start questioning your writing skills, purpose and reality. You are constantly torn between sharing too much and not saying out right.

This is when you need a support system, family and or friends who were most probably present at the start, to remind you of your original goals, there is a high chance that the cruel reality of the internet will hit you hard and leave you in a state of confusion. Whilst dazed and confused from the back hand of how little an impact you might be making with your blog, the likelihood of you giving up increases and hence the need for a functioning support system. There are some people I am close to but I do not really talk about my blog with them, sometimes the blog is a separate entity, one I cannot fully explain or want to talk about. But the ones I do talk to about it often keep me posting my random weird thoughts that are clearly not everyone’s cup of tea.

Second piece of advice, have clear set goals as to what your blog should be about. I have to confess when it comes to this part I lack consistency mainly because I only write when I have a thought that is nagging my everyday existence. Unfortunately this does not happen as often as I would like and it does not come in one form. Sometimes it is poetry or its like today’s post. Whatever you do, do what you feel is good, might as well make a blog that one  thing in life you do how you want, that is if everything else is minutely controlled by unforeseeable circumstances.

Do not compare your personal blog to other blogs, you will think at first that it is good to check how others are doing it, before long you are caught in the trap of not measuring up to the next guy. Honestly it is like comparing personalities or D.N.A, two will never be the same, familiar but not exact. Three years on, I am proud of my blog, it is my baby and I have no hesitation telling whoever wants to hear about it. I started my blog as a therapeutic way of me dealing with the various issues I deal with, as well as provide some insight for those curious about how some of live on this side of the world. Curious enough most of my readers are not on the African continent. But most importantly I started my blog to help someone out there who thinks they are alone in a similar struggle I am in.

Lastly, do not be afraid to evolve, indulge the change you have become, you can only stay the same before even your reflection is bored of you. Still on the inquisitive tip : Have I evolved to be what I wanted to be or what I was meant to be? Happy Blogging and for my non-bloggers, happy evolving.

Peace be Still

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I let things be

Let it flow like silk strands through my fingers

Fragile yet strong,I just let them be

Laugh out loud to break the silence

That questions my sanity

Smile when I feel like it

Dance when the legs tap out

In all the turmoil my insecurities create

My feelings become the only genuine campus

So that’s the truth behind my straight face

That I know nothing but you my destination

I run after my heart often

Only to catch it too late

I never scold it because it never stops moving forward

The only peace it finds is it’s quickened pace

Bottom line is no one person determines my balance

I hold the scale with my hands and feet when all else fails

That is my calm within this life storm

Much like I love not because I found someone better

But I found someone better suited

Neither Taller,more beautiful,nor richer

He is just what he is supposed to be

Someone I need right now

Much like I said already

It is about what the heart wants

Not how shattered it was left

Because I reclaimed the power to control my happiness

So if dirty dancing is what we feel like

Me, myself and I are going

I am incapable of waiting around for company

When will waiting ever be overdue

Much like apologising for your every thought process

When will you stop? When you stop thinking

Into the moonlight I venture

For more much appreciated misadventures of Rebel Rouser Bubblehead.

 

 

Losing my religion

1450454041725I am all the green I should focus on

Though I find myself commuting amongst the masses

My destination should be my sole mission

Learning of all the places you have been has only grounded my aspirations

So I no longer will be your disciple

Pain woke me up last night, with a buzzing bustling people I could not see

Only prayer brought me relief

But with guilt darkening my thoughts, as it dawned on me that it’s been a while

Since I put it all on Him

Best part is I have lost it all just so I can paint a completely new reality

I just want change, it gives me the comfort of growth

So let me be? Feels like this time is the only time I get away with it

I am skating into the new year, full gear on

Paranoid about losing my religion

Because in 2016 I want to live for my soul

Because that is the part of me that can surpass these bones to be dust

That is the only way to live forever

I never had a picture

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This coming April will make it three years since I last saw you. I remember I was doing my lower six and I only had four points to my name that term. I prepared myself for a lecture of a lifetime, mainly because I knew you knew I knew that it was you that deposited my fees just in time for me to get an A-Level place. Instead you just shrugged and pointed out that I was intelligent and things would get better in time. You had no doubt I would pass my exams when it mattered. I had no idea that was the last time I would see you, three years and counting ain’t a joke hey. I do not know if you will even recognise me in a crowd. When mother visited me in boarding school she always brought with her news bout you, like when you brought over your new car, how you went with your then girlfriend to visit Gogo. I always bragged about you to my friends, my brother, the university graduate and more in the making, but I never had a picture to show for it.

Remember that time when I was still by St Dominic’s and the term had just ended, you came to our drop off spot in 4th street to give me money because it was Mother’s intention that I sleep over by Babamukuru’s home in Waterfalls. I begged and pleaded with you not to send me there, even though it was mother’s explicit instruction, you snicked me into your university hostel, made me supper and later on you sent me over to the girl’s hostel to spend the night. The next morning you took me to get a bus get home, I was so grateful, but yet again I do not have a picture to show for it.

Almost every holiday towards the end of it, you wired me some tuck money, sometimes without me asking, even when I knew things weren’t going all that great for you; you ensured I always went to school with the essentials. I always knew you were a phone call away. Remember towards my final exams and I told you I was stressed out and you told me that you knew I would figure out a way out of the dark space. Throughout the years I have thought that the day will come when I could repay you; but you still make sacrifices for me, so unfortunately I do not see that chance rising in the horizon. Maybe one day you will need a kidney or something, I will be a phone call away, with a camera ready so that the moment is never lost. You may think I have forgotten but I would not be here without your big heart. And yes I still do brag about you to my friends.

Chasing our dreams has played its fair share in separating us, I was in school during your graduation ceremony, worst part being when I missed your wedding. To witness you finally get the happiness you deserve. I saw the wedding pictures and videos and I finally have a picture to show just how great life turned out for one of my heroes. Live life and do not hold back, you deserve all the joys ahead of you.


 

 

Love-Sick Twisted Game

2015-03-05 10.03.08You don’t love me, if you did I would feel more complete. That’s what they say right, that love completes you? I am young and restless, I am young and determined. I grew up before I should have, got addicted to pain along the way. You found me wild as can be, screaming and scratching anything in my way, broken and unable to recognize anything good in this world. Only your touch tamed me to be a free spirit. But I am still convinced you do not love me.

When I could finally face my reflection, you told me I could be prettier if I dolled up. I explained my beliefs and you threatened to take away the walls of security your arms built for me. Just when I finally thought I was ready to face the demons of my past; you would not hold my hand and be by my side. That’s when I knew you could not possibly love me.

When I finally accepted you as my destiny and dedicate all that I have to you; you constantly reminded me that we might have different fates. As you healed old wounds, I finally let my heart free to choose you. Time and time again you do not fall short of reminding me how I inadequately love you. How could the one who pulled me from the wreckage and seen my scars unattended not understand where I am coming from. How can you look through your own creation as you would a failed experiment? How can you love me, the one one thing you heal and destroy simultaneously? Is it that you can not comprehend the extent to which you molded the woman before you.

You do not love me like you did yesterday. Today you are pushing me back into the darkness you pulled me out of just yesterday. Forgive my inexperience but when was I to learn to love.  In between life’s storm or when the waves constantly swept away  any certainty I could possibly hold on to. I don’t believe you can love me, it’s not in your genetic make up; to save , nurse and love broken wings. Maybe I never was saved; maybe it’s the nightmare continuing, giving me false hope just to crush me twice as hard. Maybe this corner I fold myself into isn’t two walls meeting. What if you are just like those other monsters sent to destroy me, knowing that wounds from a broken heart never truly heal. What if these words could finally stir something in you; to stop and realize  that you can not love me the way you do.

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DSCF0306I am living in my head

As the fine line between two worlds thins out

Find myself laughing in desert sands

When it is the ocean breeze I smell

Its my blankets that keep me warm

But your arms that keep me close

But you always in my head

Locked in amber by the distance

And every time we converse,

We engage with so much passion we converge

We shrivel only to become withering souls

Surviving by taking in shallow breathes of the hope we might resurrect like the phoenix

And even as we lay as ash

I will not let us be just another sad tale

Because you always in my head

The good and bad voices all mimic yours

They pushing and pulling me from the inside out

No alarms go off

As your presence always catches me off guard

Teasing me by coming and going

You some where in my head

I might not see you here and there

But far and low I surely will go

Just to be with you

Probably why I am living in my head.

Dear She-Cray-Cray

DSCF0139Its that time again; after midnight and you have probably put your phone on silent to ensure some beauty sleep, oh so I tell myself. I decide to take the woman’s voice and leave a message. I know you have work tomorrow morning but I just finished my night shift. Its been a few days since we have conversed, a few weeks since I have called and a few months since we saw each other. I know I play a heavy hand in this. You will probably see the missed call and shrug it off, not because you do not care, but just cause. There was a time when you would call me back, even use your family land-line to call me, remember? I even saved it because I kept confusing it with call backs after job interviews. I know its mainly my fault so I thought I would call tonight and catch up on so much, I have a back log that dates back to December hey. I made good tips tonight and bought tonnes of airtime, promised myself we were going to talk for hours. Can’t wait to see you; for a short while before I leave.

Tonight I thought i should remind you of a couple of between the lines forgotten facts. To maybe remind you the worth of your tears, those when they fall sadden the earth because they do not belong there. More fun facts like how beautiful you are even without a filter. That fr the longest time ever we made Marcel’s frozen yogurt awesome. You should never live in the past, unless you are reliving moments when we laughed till we cried, that was mostly you though, and stop punishing yourself for being human and making mistakes.

Last but not least you made it okay for me to dress with no purpose and made sure I always had a dance partner. You make the best collages; when i make it you will be in charge of my media coverage, I can hear you roar with laughter just after I say that.

If this were a two way conversation, I were going to make you pinky promise never to forget me. That no matter what life threw at us, we would not give up, I won’t if you won’t. I will never stop calling  just as long as you never stop answering. Let’s be young and hopeful to defy all odds against us.

Dear Mr too-busy-to- feel

I was the only one she trusted with this message to you. She told me the essentials so do not worry too much about your reputation. Sorry for being so harsh from time to time but I cant help myself, I loved her and she loved you. I could still see it in her eyes as she lay next to the empty pill bottle; lifeless. I wish she were stronger than what she let define her, honestly look at you: degree in the making, good family, good money, good heart. Just wasn’t meant for her I guess, but why say you love her, but not listen to her ache and pains. She tried so hard to understand but we both know you could have tried harder. I still don’t understand why she said I should tell you about her pain in my own words.You were the reason she felt it was okay for her to be herself, because she found love in her weirdness. You were the heartbeat of her being, the muse behind her art. Then it was pretty roses and prolonged sunsets, you just had to go and ruin it. Why Mr, why? She emailed me the conversations you had, the one heart-sided conversations always replied by the usual busy tone, why not explain it why it was happening, like school was getting hectic and stuff, she just was not going to assume, you owed her that much. Excuse my crudeness, I am grief stricken. Why, because i had to bury myself yesterday, I had to watch them pile shovels of sand over and over again, like seriously, why? I just think you could have said more of the less you felt. She would have taken it better than the silent lies. To be honest I feel that you did hand her the rope she hung herself with.

I have a lot on my mind but i do not have a “civil” way of saying.

I hope you learn a bit more honesty for the next Mrs too-busy-to-feel. 

Mucking Equations

when love causes discomfort

and all you have are the wounds 

that isn’t much to go on

to be the hope for a HAPPY future

that isn’t much to hold on to 

to be the reason you aren’t lonely but alone

its not enough to love me

when that only means we wrestle in possibilities

i’m a fool to want tangible proof; but this is the fool you love 

we are like two distant puddles hoping a river will help us flow as one again

that is before the baking sun dries us up

or the wind vaporizes us 

i’m not giving up just giving n; to my inexperienced advice

that all i want is you; but i don’t see the sun rising on that aspect

i’m too young to be waiting, but here i find myself

i contradict myself these days

i hate the idea of love and commitments 

yet i’m in love with the commitment we are yet to share

i see the statues bleeding out tears out for me

no greater sympathy has befallen me 

i’m not giving up just giving in to my chaotic strategies

i am putting you in a box and shoving you in a shelf

inside the wardrobe behind the locked bolted titanium door

its better there than out of mind and out of sight

i will grab the keys when i’m ready

to either say goodbye and set you free

OR when you finally in sight; hence in my heart again.