Dear 19 year old rebel

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Feels like I am back full circle

But do not want to believe that this is it

Blog 3 years old, body 21 but my soul old as ever trying to remember days before the reincarnation

You hustling and working, energised to change the world, keep at it

I come from the other side, the chewed up  hippie

Met a few homies who said my rants won’t save the world

So as the walls come crushing down, I am willing to face them

I have not completely given up on humanity or us

I just want it all to make sense

We still not published though

because the more I read the more I feel I have nothing worthy to say

When we started this, we wanted less kids to slit their wrists

And less beautiful dark skinned individuals to bleach their skin

All I am now is full of phobias and pity because there is a story behind that dysfunction

Feels like by the time they read my blog, if they ever

It’s too late

But regardless, will keep sending my version of Morse code

No manual needed, your heart does the interpretation

Taking a gap year was not a waste of time, I still look back at you

Winking at how awesome you were at being ignorant

In a rush to unlearn all I have

First would be letting go of the saddest love I have ever known

It has me trapped in a cage of endless possibilities

But no concrete evidence that what I believe is real, I think he is my truest testimony at having complete faith in a being

I remember how nervous I was today, three years ago

Now I cannot possibly give any less of a sh@!

Because everybody is going to find some fault

After 300 words of rambling what I am getting to is:

All our pain and suffering was not in vain

I do not have the end game with me now

Actually life took a detour and I am some how where I began

On better days I have a little cheer leader who smiles at me indiscriminately

On bad days I do not jump off because no one is there to mind her but me

And above all I want to protect her from all this for as long as I am allowed to

Her mum keeps reminding me how unhappy I am

She does not get that being alive is as joyous as some days come, because yes a human being can sink that low

All in all I want you and me to make sense, to add up

Friends have shuffled, family keeps dwindling and I do  not know where I am going with this

But I have come to fully surrender to a higher power beyond my full comprehension

That maybe having people touch us in places we never knew existed will never make sense

Or feeling a deep sense of melancholy that leaves you physically paralysed, well just happens

All I am saying to you I guess is I still do not have answers to  even half of what happened to you

But I have stopped living for you because is more rewarding than yesterday

I have become selfish like that

I just want to make enough money to go about living my life

And enough memories for the next life over

So I just walk in anywhere and everywhere identifying myself as an African

No relation.

I am making it up as I go, because everyday I feel like a better version

Gotta Upgrade, meaning moving on from who you thought I should be

With that in mind this is my last letter to you

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Dear 19 year old rebel

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