I write to you now before human nature overcomes me and I am succumbed to forgetting the hurt that bends my knees almost to raising a white flag.
First and foremost I feel the need to apologise. My deep seeded paranoia has me believing you deserve a better version of me. That maybe what keeps you so faithful to your duties as a mother is clinging to the hope that, maybe, just maybe that woman will soon come to light. That you were not worthy of the fright that came with being called in the middle of the night after I was admitted into hospital numerous times after stress induced summons. Above all I am sorry I am so strong willed and courageous enough to stand up for what I think is right, no matter how small it is or how huge the opposition is. And that those I am standing up to will always bring it back to you. Because they know there no one I love more than you; and that love has grown abundantly over the years as I have watched you work tirelessly for my happiness and well being.
You are in no way responsible for all that ticks anticlockwise in my head. You tried your best but life has a different calling for my character.
To be honest I miss you a lot especially in those moments I fail because it feels like my rebellion is now then an endless and pointless cycle. I feel like running sometimes, just to feel the wind go through my hair; to go and never stop. Instead now just for you, I go to the shoreline to see the waves; listen to them crush against each other, as if in a bid to rescue us from ourselves, through the beauty of death. Sweet innocent waves, gracious waves if only it were that simple, to take that option every time you find yourself round in this square world; it is not an option for me when I have such a phenomenal mother to appreciate the little I have to give.
But I miss you even more when I try my best to be honest and hardworking but the devil still finds agents to stir me away from the few lights that still irradiate along my dark pathway.
Thank you for showing me so much by letting me follow my heart
Hope to see you soon