Suitcase of thoughts


Okay where to begin? Hmm or do you mean WHEN to begin? I’m confusing myself again, always happens every time i want to blog something because my sister reminds me constantly how anything put on the internet is permanent,well i honestly do not care, if prospective employers are going to persecute me about what I said when I was an 18 year old, i do not mind because i am a very honest 18 year old and I do not mind sharing my thoughts and experiences because it is my story to tell. Darn I did it again, derailed from the real reason I find myself up at 1 am blogging,TJVO, I love my sleep, we are in a complicated relationship right now, I want her but she is too busy with everyone else. Well I am siting here to remind myself that everyday I wake up and fight for my survival I emerge a rebel more, its not just a title so I can be cool,its a name that i have earned and use as my motivation to survive when the naturally different are being oppressed. WHEN??? You mean when did it all begin for me. Well i think my mother can answer that best, nah not really she always says i was an ordinary kid,still am. On the other hand I remember the fifth grade, in Mrs Mafaune’s class, speech and price giving time was at hand and hat meant plays and all that, I decided i was going to write the play instead of the usual routine where teachers dictate a play to us. The usual topics bored me so I went with child abuse, apparently it was too deep so my teacher edited it, by that i mean she scratched out 5 pages worth of writing. There,,,does that answer your question,I just rolled down that path afterwards. I do not feel the need to explain my life history in one short story, its too cool for that. Why i really sit here is a simple question of misdirection and a common misconception of a rebel. I have lost my direction again. Stop asking me when, its not just a simple question of me waking up and saying “oh wait,i do not know where my life is headed” It only came to light after many sleepless nights and a sudden realization that I just simply forget how to be happy, genuinely happy.’ Reasons for my unhappiness’. You have to be joking,they seem endless. Actually come to think of it i should be happy, I have a paying job, a roof,family(part of it), friends(i mean 1 or 2). and I pray(once in a while).Argggg, okay fine, I am sitting here wide awake when I should be resting my sweet self because somewhere down the line i lost the plot, I do not want to be 38 and only realizing it then, that i had dreams and hopes once, of studying Geology and travelling the world. I am young still, and i still do not know to go about this, lets just say things haven’t  worked out as planned since last year. Funny thing is you find me at work slaving away and smiling all the time, no i have not given up, at least my body and subconscious have not caught on to my restlessness. The other day i resorted to asking my sister why i have not drowned my sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels yet, she said it is because a part of me hasn’t forgotten my past struggles and the amount of sacrifice I put into actually sitting here affording to blog and still sleepless, hey there is some direction in that right? Hello, part of me,Hello? Great, always goes quiet when I actually need me. Okay fine I am putting back the bottle of Vodka. Somethings got to give hey, someone’s got to be there, somewhere. This is how I remind myself of who I really am.  . 


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