The light always flickers before it finally burns out, it always rings loudest before the deafening silence and I always cry before the saddest part of my life comes. That is so I can have a brave face through it all knowing that I cried my tears out before the inevitable comes, bang bang. You know how you feel invisible but you have someone smiling right at you, feel lonely but there is someone lying next to you night after night, that’s the worst kind of feeling, it means you have what you want but not what you need. To have what you need means to sacrifice what you want, bang bang. I do not deal well with anything but just by being honest I have a social life but I need a friend, I have loved ones but I need to be understood, what’s with this burning desire to want to fit into the wrong cocoon butterfly. A feeling of belonging is overrated my love, so fly beautiful as you are, you have tried your best to belong but you have come too far to evolve, bang bang. They say its never too late to change, its also never too late to embrace who you are and make the most of it, here little butterfly with one overgrown wing, I will nurse you to full confidence. Maybe I did leave home too early, maybe amai could still have nursed me closer to normality, because how can following your heart bring such a devastating reality into existence. To appreciate what is to hopefully forget what was and could have been, bang bang. I tried running but God knows I found out too late that I have been running away from my own shadow, my own storm. Bang Bang I need to run away again because my cover story might be blown to bits, because I feel itching to come out, the girl who slit her wrists, the coward who wants to end it all without fighting. That’s when I know its time to sleep and dream of a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is here sweety, bang bang. As I hold back the tears I sob a little prayer through it all,” God has to have a plan, right?”. Don’t WhatsApp me your condolences in your offending short hand and delayed responses, bang bang what could be more important than helping your friend bury the one identity she had. Don’t message me your grievances about how the ceremonial transition occurred, if you cannot face the monster you have made then please find another way to deal with your guilt. I fight to be what God can proudly define, but we all know that’s a working progress, bang bang. Let me rest my weary head on the bunny my father bought meIMG-20140407-WA000 ten years ago, when I was perfectly a child. I know I should dream of a better future but my mind glitches sometimes, stuck in that time when no one judged me and they all thought so much more of me. I now know I should have taken a selfie with my dad at that exact time of perfection, bang bang.      


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