As it were

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IMG_20180223_150612Landed, embarking on a two part journey

First to face my past

Secondly to fight for my future

Jozi stopover, I was in the same city with you

Hours on end, I was breathing  recycled ,watered down version of some air you’ve taken in

I hadn’t been this close to you in almost a year

That alone excited me, were we going to talk until both our phones ran low on battery

As was the norm

But that was my undoing, the stitches that could be sewn back on

Why did you not call, you were tired weren’t you?

Cigarette box with no health warning  message

So let us dissect the four hours that could have been

You could have taken a taxi, yes, good old taxi and come through for me

Why did you not come, you were tired weren’t you?

You could have explained what was going on, deep down with doors labelled “no entry”

Why did you not open up, you were tired weren’t you?

Questions with no answers, the condition of walking away from a love you cannot bear to walk away from

Sorry I had to dig it up, bring it up, dirty process as it may be

I selfishly want to heal and move on, look at the world through my eyes

Not ours, it was us for a while,a long while,  a beautiful while

Its raining life and all it knows to throw at me

So i know the dirt is but a temporary state

Necessary mission to heal

Natural remedies as subscribed by the core of our existence

The need to be happy

I cannot be happy with graveyards in my backyard

And yours is but the hugest heap

The elephant in the backyard of my memories

I forgive you for the mere sake of my sleeping better.

 

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To kill the sacred pangolin

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To the nieces I’ll never meet

The stories you’ll never hear

I’ll narrate now before the good times roll in

And the pain seems exaggerated

You who’ve been blessed with fathers will hear of me as a myth

The untamed young lady who followed the heart of an unknown ancestor

Except I do know, I went searching for a path that allowed me to reconnect with whom I never knew I lost

When you get rules stamped in and caged by the privilege of being well off

I know your fathers will never tell you of the sacred pangolin we all loved and had to kill

One night or the other

With bra T it was the onset of the truth of how he was the fruit of forbidden love

How one person’s disapproval cost him his happy home

With bro T it was the disillusionment of a father who was alive but blind to his troubles, his agonies

Home was an unforgiving country, no time for illegitimate fathers, grandmothers and the sort

Sis P killed hers when she unknowingly volunteered as co-parent to her siblings

The pangolin does not die fast, its last shallow breaths suck out your childhood

Could have been, would have been innocence

Once you know of the world, you can’t go back

I saw some of the killings but didn’t realise it

Not until I killed mine

I went in search of my pangolin

Went hunting dead in the night with a knife

Driven mad by the injustices of a situation I was born into

Circumstances beyond my control wounded my mother and I couldn’t stand by and watch anymore

You start ticking and having prophetic visions

Blurring out everything except your prey

Let’s go dance one last time, my subtle conscience begged of me

I do not deserve to dance until I am worth something,

I found my pangolin just before day break

And my innocence sipped out with the rising sun

So you’ll here about my tales, if you’re lucky

About how no man could tame me

And no circumstance could break me

The free spirited aunt my brothers do not want to raise

I liberated myself by killing the sacred pangolin

Whose spirit still burns in your eyes

In the pictures I steal of you

I liberated myself by carving its remains and wearing it out

Nobody really knows what I’ve seen, what I’ve had to sacrifice

For this freedom I cherish so much

So I won’t let anyone come when the storm is over

To instruct me on how to plant my daisies and lilies

You see the pangolin I wear and think I need your guidance

I stopped being a child way before sunset.

After Taste

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What’s it to you,kindred brother of many secrets

We don’t pass the spliff or rip bongs

Anymore…

While I still got air-time, let me vent a bit

About dreams I built and lost before they were consumated

Distance! Saved by the bell, cheered the man-child rid of me

I talk too much don’t I, you say yeah, but we both lying

I say what is with extra elaborating to reduce the chances of misinterpretation

Yeah sure…anything goes with the right vocabulary

I am having trouble waking up, us both

I want to wake up but I know what awaits my conscious self

The bed is empty and so should be the room

Ghosts of relations past haunt me, vivid, real,present

Outside is 2018 going about

But my haven is stuck in a time, with all that must move on

What was beautiful; What was mine

What was always; What was abandoned

Sometimes we sit together, I entertain it

But most days I just want to hide

How inadequate I must have been

Of course you disagree, that is kinda your job

The dreamer, the poet, all of me

It is taking a little longer than expected I guess

To be able to see myself through my own eyes

Time interlocks vision, sight, individuality

I guess I am just trying to be enough just as I am

Before the yoga, the ab workouts, the perfomances

I seem so far fetched, I see me but I can’t afford to get there

Much like the moon we are looking at, beautiful and whole but beyond our reach

That is how far I have to journey, punishment for loving with all I had

Funny enough, no I do not want your help

Just stop me from talking to the ghosts when you can

I would appreciate that

How sweet the day shall be

When I finally get to wake up excited about  a new day

An empty bed and an empty room, ready to be filled with the essence of my adequacy.

 

 

 

 

Day 30 of Poetry Challenge

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Write a love poem without using the word “love”.

Being able to hold you and be myself

Truly rewarding, your smile I live for

I know what I am to the world

But I choose to be what you see

Just another human being trying to figure it out

No prejudice, no expectations just treasured peace of mind

Endless adventures, endless growth.

Day 29 of Poetry challenge

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Write a poem/jumble of all the things that pop up in your head at the moment. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense, just write!

Niles makes me laugh out loud

The poet of royalty says hie

My body aches and I forgot arithmetic

I can’t dance anymore, I wiggle to memories

I know I’m never going back to him

I know I’m not going to him

I’m not bitter, I’m not better

Cockroach fate, never giving up on the dream

Shaving costs a lot, why does society expect so much, and pay so little

You won’t even hire me

String me along I won’t

Dance babe, my niece is alive and well

Day 28 of Poetry Challenge

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Write a poem that is strictly dialogue that is only one side of a conversation, be sure to show what the conversation is about and make sure to convey the emotion

” It doesn’t show till Tuesday, can we go the next Monday

It’s my next day off.

Are you really going to wait a week?

No just really appreciate you waiting so long.

Well movies are our thing.

Yeah who knew we would be here.

Well, somewhere we can have something.

Exclusively.

Yeah, but I am not your only sister.

True.

Okay, I have to go, don’t forget to give the baby her bottle when she wakes up.

Please warm it up first , please.

Hahaha

Thanks for everything.

Day 27 of Poetry Challenge

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Begin with the title “The Poem I’d Never Write.” Then, write that poem.

Beckon me lover I have been waiting

I smile, repeat fail, repeat, believe repeat

But you have always been irresistible

Sweet being that you are , reign

Take me if not I will surrender to you regardless

Take me away from the brow I exist

It always feels like I am letting everyone down, successfully

A specialty, artisan artist I am

So goodbye everything, hello the sweet embrace of a deep sleep

Where no one has to swallow me hard, and fake a smile

I refuse to let go, my one and only love, the one who has held me in invisible arms

Big and stronger than anything that has ever tried to embrace me.

Day 26 of Poetry Challenge

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Write a poem titled “Things I should’ve told you”

Peek-a-babie, peek-a-mistake

Peek-a-consequence, pick-a-choice

Not so white and black, gray shades that try to excite me

Your existence, my dependant

I never did want to procreate

There was not much room in my heart,

Just surprised as you are, there you found a place a little lower

With my dysfunctional heart keeping you company

Good luck finding sleep

Wait, good luck us finding sleep

Because we are a team and we are synchronised

Never wanted to disappear from the world than when I was of you, with you

I have no regrets, but excitement eludes me

I don’t know what you expect from me, but I will give you all of me

I have a feeling that will suffice

One day at a time love, we will get a regular heartbeat.

 

Day 25 of the Poetry Challenge

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Write a poem of a good memory simply through the dialogue

That one step closer to being more than the labels

That letter I begged for, cried for

We have found you eligible to pursue a degree

The letter with so much I pegged on

Should have been a love letter to myself

Come to think of it, the first time I fell in love with myself

Should have been the letter to myself

We have deemed you worthy of self love